With such a long absence, it’s not always easy to get back at it, but fortunately, the FOTB found inspiration in Chip Kelly and his new position, the TZR (Tazer). In honor of Kelly’s creativity, FOTB unveils her ideas for some innovative positions of her own. Chip, if you’re reading, royalties can be paid via PayPal. Thank you. Special thanks to friend of the blog Nate for the headline.
(If yer’ new round’ these parts, get yourself familiar with FOTB).
DR (The Doctor), Deep Receiver
FOTB: He goes long. Just what the doctor ordered. It’s basically a wide receiver but a way cooler name. When people say, “What position are you? he says, ‘I’m the doctor!’.”
QTERB (Quiet Rabbit), Quarterback/Tight End/Running Back
FOTB: It’s a tight end who can throw and run. You can put both the QB and the Quiet Rabbit in at the same time and you just don’t know. He’s sneaky like the tortoise and the hare…well the hare didn’t win.
OTP: (She’s doing the talking without the thinking, I have no idea how this is like the tortoise and the hare).
FOTB: Basically, he’s a QB like we have now that can run and throw, but also can block. Since he’s on the D List and not the A List, he can get injured and you don’t have to worry about it as much. (OTP: I’m so lost).
TGR (Tiger), Tackle Guard Rover
OTP: What does he do?
FOTB: Well, he tackles, he guards and he roves.
OTP: (Basically, she has no idea about any of these positions, but managed to make something called Tiger)
RBOT (Robot), Running Back/Offensive Tackle
FOTB: I don’t get the whole lining up thing, but maybe you can just hut the ball to the side.
OTP: Like a direct snap to the running back?
FOTB: No! The Robot lines up on the line and gets the ball passed on the side.
OTP: I don’t think you can do that.
FOTB: I don’t know how this all works. I told you! You said just make up positions and don’t worry about rules.
DRG (Dragon) Double Right Guard
FOTB: I don’t know what a right guard is.
OTP: Well, what does the Dragon do?
FOTB: I don’t know…what the right guard does times two? He’s a dragon because he’s huge. He’s twice the size like a double cheeseburger…twice the meat.
CBR (Cobra) Cornerback Rover
FOTB: Our corners always need a little extra help so the cobra snakes the field and helps. I guess it’s like a safety but a cooler name.
Apparently, you connect the dots between linemen, throw the HB and RB in the backfield and you have a HaMMeR.
HMMR (Hammer) Uh, no idea. FOTB?
FOTB: I really want this position but I don’t know what positions to use for the M. You could have the offensive line make the two m’s.
OTP: Huh?
FOTB: (Furiously draws a diagram and thrusts it in front of me. You be the judge as I attempted to recreate this drawing)
FOTB: You have your H-back, running back and the whole offensive line. It’s more of a play than a position, like it’s hammer time. Hahahaha. Ah, that’s sad.
OTP: (She’s just laughing at herself and apparently MC Hammer).
OTP: What kind of play do you run?
FOTB: I don’t do the plays, it’s just a lineup and I wanted the Hammer.
SR2 (sounds like, es are squared) Skinny Receiver Rover
FOTB: He cuts up the middle, works the inside, between the O-line. He goes skinny, not wide.
OTP: So, do you think your positions can make the big time?
FOTB: Of couse, I came up with a marketing scheme for this, too. Teams should name a position after the station they play on. You could have CBS, ESPN, FSN, TBS, ABC. It’s genius. Who’s not gonna’ put them on TV with that?
OTP: Some examples?
FOTB: CBS, you have the Cornerback Safety.
OTP: You could do TBS for the Tailback Safety.
FOTB: What?!? You didn’t tell me there’s a tailback!
OTP: Well, I don’t know what a tailback safety could do because one is offense, one is defense.
(some pondering)
FOTB: So listen to this. The tailback can be on defense to run back interceptions. That’s his job, to run back interceptions.
OTP: Oh, duh.
FOTB: I wish I could do a Wizard position.
OTP: Well, you could use Wingback…
FOTB: What!?!?! (she looks bewildered). You didn’t tell me that either! There’s a wingback? Does it fly? Oh man, I should have known about this. Make sure you tell everyone you didn’t give me the cool positions. You only gave me standard ones.
Note: OTP is a family blog and would not allow the Center Nose Tackle position to take root here.
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BTW….Last year I asked NIck if I could create my own characters (Proof in one of the last year’s FOTB’s). and he just laughed at me. So I wasn’t trying to copy Chip Kelly, Nick just finally allowed my idea to be valid because it’s news worthy now. Also I gave more explanation on each of my characters. Maybe OTP should invest in a tape recorder so he doesn’t miss everything I say. (Check your iphone I think it’s an app)
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Love the fotb comments it’s going to be a fun year. Go ducks!!!
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