When new commish Larry Scott caught wind of this year’s awards, he said, “Nick, you got a good thing going here, but your presentation is weak. Come on, market it, kid! Throw in some pictures or something. Let the world know you exist!”
He’s the guru. Now on to the 2010 Coaches’ Awards.
The Rick Neuheisel award for “Tell Your Men They Work For Me Now. This is My City.”
And the winner is: No, not The Joker. New Pac-10 Commissioner Larry Scott. Like a man possessed, he is quickly remaking the Pac-10 into the brand he foresees.
The Dennis Erickson award for “Most Jokes About Me are Played Out Because I’m So Old Now. What Else Can You Really Say?”
And the winner is: Erickson’s entire Arizona State Sun Devils team. We’ve been saying the same thing about these guys for a long time now. Sleeping giant. Perfect weather, party school, what more can a kid with talent want in a college? It’s just a matter of time and ASU will dominate. And so it goes. 9th place ASU. That’s where you’re headed this year. Again.
The Steve Sarkisian award for “No Matter What, I’ll Always Look Good Because I’m Not Lane Kiffin”
And the winner is: Cal’s 2011 quarterback. Joe Ayoob to Nate Longshore to Kevin Riley? What happened to Tedford’s magical touch?
The Chip Kelly award for “Is There Anyone On This Team That didn’t Get In Trouble This Year? Seriously, One Guy is All I Need.”
And the winner is: Brandon Bair, Oregon defensive tackle. Nice move by the Ducks sending a Mormon to Pac-10 media day. Can’t go wrong there.
The Jim Harbaugh award for “What’s Your Deal?“
And the winner is: Coaches’ poll voters. Ok, we get that USC is ineligible, but still, just two teams in the top 25? Here’s hoping the AP can do a little better.
The Mike Stoops award for “Is it Me or Am I Less Crazy Than I Used to Be? It’s Just Me, Isn’t It?”
And the winner is: Vontaze Burfict, ASU linebacker. He plays crazy. He acts crazy. And he won’t think twice about destroying you.
The Lane Kiffin award for “If I Fail at Just One More Job, I May Get Promoted to President of The Whole Damn World”
And the winner is: Jake Locker, UW quarterback. Results and stats matter little to NFL teams that just can’t wait to reach high and overpay a quarterback that has accomplished….what?
The Pete Carroll award for “No, We Did Nothing Wrong. Everything Was by The Book. We Were Just the Victims of Circumstance. Now, Excuse Me, I Have a Practice to Attend to With My New Team”
And the winner is: Jeremiah Masoli, former UO quarterback. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Three times.
OTP Infractions Committee
Whoa, timeout people. The OTP Infractions Committee has just discovered a major USC violation. Use of an ineligible coach for an award! All past awards are to be vacated and they’re now banned from receiving any awards for two years (pending appeal, of course). Now let’s get back to it with the teams that don’t cheat.
The Mike Riley award for “2+2=4, The Sky is Blue, Water is Wet and September Will Be a Bad Month”
And the winner is: UCLA, a team that could get demoralized in September with away games at Kansas State and Texas sandwiching two home games against Stanford and Houston.
The Paul Wulff award for “Can I Please Leave? It’s Not Me, It’s the Job”
And the winner is: USC players Jordan Campbell, Malik Jackson, Byron Moore, DJ Shoemate, Seantrel Henderson, Jarvis Jones, and Travon Patterson. All have left USC. Other than Henderson, no one will be greatly missed.
The Jeff Tedford award for “Andy Ludwig is My Offensive Coordinator. This is Not a Good Thing”
And the winner is: In a retroactively awarded landslide, former Oregon coach Mike Bellotti and Utah coach Kyle Wittingham take home the hardware.
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