On the Season
Straight Up: 20-4
Against the Spread: 9-13

Posted spreads are from sportsbook.com at time of publishing.

Washington St. @ Colorado (Sat., Fox College Sports, 12:30 p.m.)
Hmm, perhaps there’s an anti-champion playoff in progress and no one told us. UCLA advanced over Oregon State last week to play the winner of this game. Or do I have that backwards? Oregon State actually advanced to play this week’s loser. Yeah, that sounds right. Arizona must have a bye to the final round.

Straight Up: Washington State
ATS: Washington State +3

Arizona @ USC (Sat., FSN, 12:30 p.m.)
In eight straight losses to FBS teams, Arizona has been beaten by at least 19 in six of them. Granted, those six games are all against Oregon, Stanford and Oklahoma State, but there’s not even a little bit of fight in there? Something is seriously wrong in Tuscon. So naturally, I’m picking Arizona.

Straight Up: Arizona
ATS: Arizona +12

Washington @ Utah (Sat., FSN, 4:00 p.m.)
When this is the best the Pac-12 schedule has to offer on a weekend featuring 5 games, it’s a down year. It just is. I can’t even argue the merits of the conference this year. There’s nothing to hang the hat on. Go Utes.

Straight Up: Utah
ATS: Washington +9.5

 Oregon State  @ Arizona State (Sat., Fox College Sports, 7:30 p.m.)
I’m recommending some new fall Saturday activities for Beaver fans.

• Just tailgate, bro. To hell with what happens after that. If you have to black out and wake up in a field in Sweet Home, so be it.
• Invite your friends over to watch games, but instead of viewing live action, cue up a game from a year Oregon State beat the current opponent. Celebrate like hell deep into the night, but don’t ask why no one questioned Ken Simonton’s eligibility in 2011.
• Intensely study the habits of bears. Learn their ways until you are confident in your ability to hibernate until August 2012.
• Become a Duck fan (that one’s for the sister-in-law, she’s ripe for the picking).

Straight Up: Arizona State
ATS: Arizona State -18.5

UCLA @ Stanford (Sat., FSN, 7:30 p.m.)
I’d take Stanford at -40 in this game.

Straight Up: Stanford
ATS: Stanford -21.5

On the Season
Straight Up: 16-3
Against the Spread: 6-11

Posted spreads are from sportsbook.com at time of publishing.

UCLA @ Oregon State (Sat., Prime Ticket, 12:30 p.m.)
An early candidate for Pac-12 game of the year, no doubt. Of  course, this is the one where the Beavers win and then immediately rip off a long winning streak and put themselves in the title hunt before losing to Oregon. Or maybe they just lose to UCLA. I don’t know.

Straight Up: Oregon State
ATS: Oregon State -5

California @ Washington (Sat., FSN, 12:30 p.m.)
Normally, the official policy of the blog is to not believe in anything Washington does. However, another strict policy is also at play here, one where if you see Cal playing a road game, you just tighten up into the fetal position and wait for impact. Soooo, the Husk-, Hus- oh God I’m gonna throw up.

Straight Up: Washington
ATS: Washington Pick ‘em

Colorado @ Ohio State (Sat., ABC/ESPN2, 12:30 p.m.)
I still don’t know anything about Colorado, but they do seem to generally play football poorly. Of course, Ohio State is countering with an equally ugly brand of their own.I guess Ohio State wins, but it would not be a surprise to see the upset.

Straight Up: Ohio State
ATS: Colorado +16.5

#10 Oregon  @ Arizona (Sat., ESPN2, 7:15 p.m.)
Who hates playing at Arizona? This guy. And so do you. Well, none of us actually play there. But we do watch and drink as well as anyone and I just know the stomach churns a little harder during games in Tuscon. I think the goals when playing at Wildcat Stadium are these in order:

1. Avoid leg injuries to quarterbacks
2. Avoid head injuries from flying bottles
3. Avoid drunken fans on the field before the game is actually over
4. Win

Straight Up: Oregon
ATS: Oregon -15.5 (not a chance I’d lay money on this)

#23 USC @ Arizona State (Sat., ESPN, 7:15 p.m.)
I’ve believed in ASU since the end of last season and I’m not gonna give up just because of one incompetently played game at Illinois. I should, but I won’t.

Straight Up: Arizona State
ATS: Arizona State -2.5

On the Season
Straight Up: 9-0
Against the Spread: 3-6

Posted spreads are from sportsbook.com at time of publishing.

Colorado St. @ Colorado (Sat., FSN, 10:30 a.m.)
I’ll just go with some Pac-12 pride here and pick Colorado across the board. Buffs, we need to learn more about each other. It’s like I hardly know you.

Straight Up: Colorado
ATS: Colorado -7.5

Texas @ UCLA (Sat., ABC, 12:30 p.m.)
Just looking at this game makes me chuckle. No really, it did. I read the header, Texas @ UCLA, and slightly guffawed. This should be must-see TV and instead, it’s…yikes. Next game, please.

Straight Up: UCLA
ATS: UCLA +3.5

Washington @ Nebraska (Sat., ABC, 12:30 p.m.)
Washington, if you think Nebraska as a 17 point favorite after you beat them in the Holiday Bowl is unjust, I suggest you read up on the Nevada Wolfpack. 2011 ain’t 2010. Good luck.

Straight Up: Nebraska
ATS: Nebraska -17

Missouri State @ #12 Oregon (Sat., OSN, 12:30 p.m.)
Uh, see ya next week, Ducks. I’ll pass on this one.

Straight Up: Oregon
ATS: Oregon (if there was a spread, I’d bet Oregon up to about -70. Of course, I’m the guy that took the Ducks at -50 or so last year against PSU. It was a winning ticket, thank you very much. Ok, yeah, degenerate, I am him).

Presbyterian @ California (Sat., 2:30 p.m.)
Ya know, if Cal was playing this on the road, I’d probably just pick the Blue Hose and I’m not sure I’d be wrong.

Straight Up: California
ATS: California (see Ducks above)

Washington State @ San Diego State (Sat., MTN, 3:30 p.m.)
Ah, what the hell, I’ll jump on your stupid bandwagon, Cougs, and I will most certainly regret it.

Straight Up: Washington State
ATS: Washington State +5.5

Arizona State @ Illinois (Sat., Big Ten Network, 4:00 p.m.)
This is a weird point spread. Even considering it’s Arizona State and a road game, the Sun Devils can’t really be underdogs, can they?

Straight Up: Arizona State
ATS: Arizona State +2

Syracuse @ USC (Sat., FX, 5:00 p.m.)
Vegas always gets a ton of money coming in on USC and other LA-based teams what with the close proximity of the two cities. It’s nice to the know that the Pac-12 is now guaranteeing the Trojans to cover. Duly noted.

Straight Up: USC
ATS: USC -16.5

Utah @ BYU (Sat., ESPN2, 6:15 p.m.)
With Utah getting accepted to the Pac-12 and BYU being left behind, I’m guess the Holy War might end up more like an apocalypse. An apocalypse brought on by angry rivals all hopped up on Root Beer and licorice.

Straight Up: Utah
ATS: Utah +4

#6 Stanford @ Arizona (Sat., ESPN, 7:45 p.m.)
10:45 pm start on the east coast? Check
Potential for 100 points and 1,000 yards passing? Check
Broadcast on low definition Fox Sports Net with Steve Physioc on the play-by-play? Dang, we were so close to a perfect throwback, late 1990s Pac-10 game.

Straight Up: Stanford
ATS: Arizona +9

On the Season
Straight Up: 9-3 (“Wait, Nick, if you didn’t know the season started, how are you 9-3?” I don’t know, one of life’s mysteries, I suppose.)
Against the Spread: N/A for now

Posted spreads are from sportsbook.com at time of publishing.

Arizona @ #9 Oklahoma State (Thu., ESPN, 5:30 p.m.)
I swear, I didn’t see the game and I don’t know the outcome, but I do know this: Arizona’s defense is AWESOME and the Wildcats are totally not going to start the season 1-4 after playing this game followed by Stanford, Oregon and USC.

Pressed for a score, I’d say Arizona won 37-14. Yeah, nailed it.

Straight Up: Arizona
ATS: Arizona

#21 Missouri @ Arizona State (Fri., ESPN, 7:30 p.m.)
Hmm, highly biased, uninformed preseason polls based largely on what happened last year say Missouri is the better team. On the other hand, oddsmakers say the Sun Devils are 8.5 point favorites. Who to trust, who to trust?

Straight Up: Arizona State
ATS: Arizona State -8.5

Nevada @ #13 Oregon (Sat., FX, 12:30 p.m.)
Oddly enough, in the last week, Oregon went from national title contending badass team to weak, overpowered, also-rans. It’s a fickle crowd, these national pundits.

Straight Up: Oregon
ATS: Oregon -26.5

Oregon St. @ 8 Wisconsin (Sat., ESPN, 9:00 a.m.)
One of the Beaver fans in my office this week has been all too happy to tell me about Oregon’s shortcomings as an elite program. He might say, “Wow, Oregon just isn’t good enough to beat the SEC. They aren’t elite.”

Fortunately, I have this cool translation machine and I only hear the actual meaning of spoken words. What he really said was, “Holy shit, we lost to Sacramento State and now we have to play at Wisconsin and what is that that’s pee dribbling down my leg oh god oh god it burns!”

Straight Up: Wisconsin
ATS: Wisconsin -20

California @ Colorado (Sat., 12:30 p.m.)
This conference game that’s not really a conference game is one of many reasons I am starting to really hate realignment. And while I’m on the subject, will someone give me my Twitter feed back? All I get to read about is the latest rumor and speculation on who’s joining what conference next. Please, I beg you, stop. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Straight Up: California
ATS: California -6.5

#6 Stanford @ Duke (Sat., ESPNU, 12:30 p.m.)
On a side note, I also got Stanford at -1.5 in the halftime Science Bowl. So there’s the predictable “haha, lookie lookie, two smart schools are playing a football game” joke.

Straight Up: Stanford
ATS: Stanford -20.5

Hawaii @ Washington (Sat., 12:30 p.m.)
Here’s the scene last Saturday. Me, your beloved, but MIA blogger, sitting in a Chelan, WA bar already knowing the Beavers have lost now noticing the Huskies about to implode in their own FCS-induced nightmare and I’m just smiling without a care — oh that thing on the TV over there? That’s just this thing they’re doing in Dallas, don’t worry about it. I said, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!

Straight Up: Washington
ATS: Hawaii +6

UNLV @  Washington State (Sat., 5:00 p.m.)
Nooooo..no, no, no, no, no. I – and I’d like to think the rest of the free world is with me on this – am not ready for Washington State to be a 14 1/2 point favorite with a backup quarterback in any game even if the opponent would go 0-2 in its own spring game.

Straight Up: Washington State
ATS: UNLV +14.5

Utah @ USC (Sat., Versus, 4:30 p.m.)
Ok, so this is a conference game, right? Because that Colorado-Cal thing above, you know, that’s a non-conference game between conference opponents and this has two conference opponents but one of the  teams used to be in a different conference so I just want to make sure that nobody’s confused here before we play this game because God-forbid we count the wins and losses toward the conference race if it’s really just an exhibition. Know what I mean?

Straight Up: USC
ATS: Utah +8.5

San Jose St. @ UCLA (Sat., 7:00 p.m.)
ME AND RICK NEUHEISEL CANNOT BE THE ONLY ONES WHO CARE ABOUT THIS GAME! Hold up, I don’t actually care about this game. Yeah, coach, I guess it is just you. Fortunately, no level of powdered blue apathy can possibly lead to losing to San Jose State. Right?

Straight Up: UCLA
ATS: UCLA -21

The Jeff Tedford award for “We would never ask anyone on our team to fake something! Oh that, well, I didn’t know. Talk to my assistant.”

And the winner is: Whoever is responsible at Oregon for releasing documents provided by Willie Lyles that were, uh, thoroughly researched and totally worth the money. They paid me to say that. Stacks and stacks of money. On a company check no less.

The Dennis Erickson award for “Remember the early 90s? Remember that? Those were good times”

And the winner is: The Washington Huskies, because it’s never too early in a season to throw your first jab.

The David Shaw award for “All I need to be a good coach is a little Luck. Yeah, see what I did there?”

And the winner is: Headline writers and copy editors everywhere. We get it. The last name of the Heisman-contending quarterback at Stanford is Luck and it’s a most versatile word indeed.

The Mike Stoops award for “This is the year. I just know it!”

And the winner is: Cal Bears fans who are sure they’ve performed the proper rituals to rid themselves of the curse of Rilayooshore and are hyped on Buffalo transfer Zach Maynard to finally deliver the team a consistent season at quarterback.

The Rick Neuheisel award for “It’ll all be better if we just hire an alum to run our program”

And the winner is: Jon Embree, new head coach of the Colorado Buffaloes. Good luck to you, sir. These types of hires always work out. Note to Mr. Embree: That was really a shot at Neuheisel because, well, he’ll always deserve it.

The Jon Embree award for “This blog doesn’t know the first thing about this guy so let’s just give the award to a random dude”

And the winner is: Michael Kirby, Utah defensive back. Have you heard of him? I didn’t think so.

The Chip Kelly award for “We’re damn good. We’ll smoke ‘em all”

And the winner is: Well, duh. Cliff Harris, the Oregon cornerback who relied upon the ol’ “we smoked all the weed” defense when pulled over by Oregon state police in June.

The Steve Sarkisian award for “While you might think it’s still questionable, we’re back!”

And the winner is: James Rodgers, Oregon State wide receiver. It looks like the Beaver standout receiver is going to make it back from the gruesome knee injury suffered early on in the 2010 season. But still, we’re going to need to see some proof.

The Kyle Wittingham award for “We’re good enough, we’re smart enough and gosh darnit, people are gonna like us”

And the winner is: Aaron Pflugrad, Arizona State wide receiver, mostly because I still can’t believe that guy is a starting wide receiver in the Pac-12, and a good one at that.

The Mike Riley award for “I’ve been here a long time and I’ll probably never leave”

And the winner is: Senior Chris Owusu, Stanford wide receiver. Maybe it’s just me but I’m fairly certain he enrolled in 2002.

The Paul Wulff award for “Yeah, this looks better, but is it really going to be any different?”

And the winner is: UCLA freshman quarterback Brett Hundley, the highly-touted savior of Rick Neuheisel’s uninspired group of quarterbacks, who ended up having knee surgery and postponing his inevitable ascension to starter status.

The Lane Kiffin award for “See, no major violation, I’m totally clean”

And the winner is: Nobody. They’re all guilty, rotten-to-the-core human beings who’s only real talent is the ability to stick a hand out and expect giant stacks of gold bricks to magically appear. Either that or hookers, but regardless, everyone’s a dirty cheater.

This award is sponsored by Sports by Brooks. When you want only the best in rumor-mongering and half-baked truths, choose SbB!

As usual, I ask you to not take anything too seriously here. Just enjoy it for what it is, a blog that is more important than any other media covering Oregon football (it’s just a fact, look it up). And please, I beg you, don’t be an OregonLive commenter.

With that said, after the usual prolonged absence, I only thought it right that I pass an aptitude test before allowing myself to take part in the world of college football blogging again. This should reestablish my impeccable credentials. I only missed one. Can you beat that?

Career Skills

1. When you grow up, who would you like to be and why?

Rich Brooks. His Twitter account is 100% awesome. His daily activity of golfing, betting and drinking is my ultimate life destination. Those are the aspirations, Rich Brooks is my guide.

Non-Verbal Reasoning

2. From the bottom row, circle the letter with the corresponding picture that best fits next into the sequence of Willie Lyles photos on the top row.

Business Management

3. Consider the following scenario and then finish each sentence with the correct way to cover the story.

An Oregon Duck player/coach/administrator commits an offense somewhere between marginally questionable and utterly stupid. You are tasked with covering this incident. How would you go about it?

1. Send out a tweet or two to: gauge sensitivity levels on the subject
2. If the freak out levels are satisfactory: file column to Oregonian
3. More tweeting inviting everyone to: tune in to my radio show
4. Discuss topic on radio until: beaten horse has been made into glue
5. Go on TV so that anyone who is bad at the internet and doesn’t own a radio: won’t have to miss out
6. Watch fans: lose their mind
7. Add another: zero to bank account
8. Rinse: and repeat

Mathematics

4. Texas A&M is on a train heading for the SEC and is traveling at 65 miles per hour. Texas is on another train heading to “who the hell cares where we’re heading, we’re goddamn Texas and we go wherever we want as fast as we want, so take your question and shove it up your posterior, son!”

What happens when both trains reach their destination?

SEC, Pac-12 and Big Ten fight to the death for the burnt remainders of the Big 12

Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe accepts job as Texas’ official lap dog

Texas Forever

All of the above

5. For the following consider that x = free tattoos, y = a lying coach and z = NCAA. What is the sum total of the following equation?

xy + z = Probation

History

6. List 5 members of the axis of evil and explain what it is.

List Members:

1. John Canzano
2. Sports by Brooks
3. Gregg Doyel
4. Jon Wilner
5. Everyone else who ever called themselves a journalist because they’re all terrible human beings with unredeemable souls who
   are biased and root for the Beavers and/or Huskies and probably spend their free time meeting with each other at Ke$ha concerts.

Problem Solving

7. A man wanted to enter a strip club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, “twelve.” The member replied, “six” and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, “six.” The member replied, “three” and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said, “ten” and the man replied, “five”. But he was not let in. What should have he said?

Nevin, it’s me, a Miami Hurricane. Stop playing games and let me in so I can make it f—ing rain!

Football

8. The inside zone read is a staple of the Oregon Ducks offense. How effective will this play be against the LSU Tigers and its vaunted SEC defense?

Day 1: The waiting is the hardest part | Day 2: When the booze is free, it gets consumed | Day 3: If nothing else, there was a moment

Monday, January 10, 2011: If nothing else, there was a moment
9:37 a.m. How do you follow up a late night trip to In ‘n Out? Go for breakfast at Waffle House, of course. Mostly, this is a southern thing, so it should be no surprise we were outnumbered by Auburn fans at a 10:1 ratio. Of course, Auburn outnumbered Oregon everywhere you went. These people love their football.

12:00 p.m. We. Are. Headed. To. The. Game. Finally.

1:03 p.m. We have our tailgate set up. I hang a National ChampionChip shirt over a car window. You know, just in case someone likes it. With that, I take off with my snoring friend to see if we can find him a ticket.

1:11 p.m. I have a missed call. Wonder what that could be about.

1:23 p.m. We find the designated area for ticket brokers to sell to fans. They should just call it what it is. Sleazeville. These are not people I would readily trust. Let’s face it, if a grown man is in public and conducting business in a full body sweat suit, we’re off to a bad start. Low price at this point: $1,800. That’s probably a fake. Most tickets are well over $2k right now and one is at $6k.

Come on dude. You're wearing a full sweat suit. At least pretend like this transaction is legit.

1:53 p.m. We’re back at the tailgate. That missed call? It was to inform me that the Glendale police confiscated the t-shirts. For what, I’m still not sure. We probably had to have a permit. We never even sold one. Hell, we weren’t even advertising it as an item for sale. I generally find Arizona to be the kind of place where they like to carry guns and enforce laws during the downtime between breaths. I hope Africa appreciates the shirts.

2:25 p.m. We’re just chillin’ and enjoying the sun when over strolls this big black guy pushing a paint bucket and mini DJ system. No, no, no. We don’t have any mon—

2:26 p.m. “That’s what I’m saying, do you know what I mean, coming all the way from ooh Eugene. That’s why we gon’ be the BCS champs, I’m just sittin’ here settin’ up camp.”

2:27 p.m. Oh, this guy’s got some freestyle talent. No one’s going to hire me for a film shoot anytime soon. Enjoy my thumb, shaky hand and vertical shot.

3:30 p.m. or so: I have consumed the all-important Ninkasi Total Domination IPA. It flew with me from San Diego. Tradition is not to be trifled with. But we’re antsy. This game is drawing close. We are so very ready to go in.

Thought I'd won the day.

3:39 p.m. Some Auburn fans start interacting with us. These people are very nice. One even has a cooler full of orange and green Jell-o shots to share. I just can’t. The hospitality is great, but I intend to remember every bit of this game.

3:41: This nice Auburn lady with Jell-o shots is telling us about some pair of her lucky underwear that was featured in an Alabama newspaper. Really glad I didn’t take that Jell-o shot.

Around 4:00 p.m. Ah, there it is. Auburn and Oregon fan arguing over Obama. You only get one guess which side of the argument each took.

After 5:00 p.m. We are in the stadium. It is electric. People are shouting, chanting, singing, bouncing. It has the big game feel you would imagine exists for something of this magnitude.

5:28 p.m. Random war eagle shouting continues.

Pregame ceremony, around 6:15 ish: The Fiesta Bowl committee is literally letting a freaking eagle circle the stadium and the PA guy is trying to tell us it’s for both teams. Bullshit. Thanks for the slap in the face BCS. You can war eagle my ass.

Oregon's coming out. OTP is sitting (standing, really) in the seats you see in the opposite end zone.

6:30 p.m. Kickoff. All the buzz and electricity is reaching a crescendo. 78,000 people are ready to jump out of their skin.

To this point, I’m at least close on the time of day, if not entirely accurate. At the game, I have lost track.

End of first quarter: This game isn’t shaping up to be an offensive battle. Momentous turnovers for both teams are the story. Outside, my snoring friend from New York is still battling 40,000 other fans for a last-minute ticket. Low price? $1,700. He brought a lot of cash, but not that much.

End of half: Down 16-11, this game doesn’t feel anything like the other slow starts. Oregon is being controlled, but the defense is getting stops. You get the sense there won’t be an explosion of points by either team. We are in a battle.

End of third quarter: Oregon is down 19-11, and nerves are finally settling in. I had previously told my brother’s fiance (Beaver believers, the both of them) that she can talk trash to me as much as she wants. And so she is via text.

“Doesn’t look like you drank your pre game domination bitch.”

“Yeah!!! How does it feel to get stopped at the one yard line….try and win the day now!!!”

“How many pushups did puddles do today?”

Ouch. I wanted to respond, but then I realized I’m at the Natty and the Beavers are not. Words couldn’t say it any better.

Late in the 4th quarter, under 5 minutes to go, down 19-11: Fumble! Oregon has it! Oregon has the ball!!!

3rd and goal from the two yard line: There’s a timeout and I say to myself, “If nothing else, let us just have this one moment.” At the time, I didn’t realize who could possibly let us have the moment. After listening to Auburn coach Gene Chizik’s postgame speech, I realized it was God, because He strikes down Obama-loving, hippy-commune-living Ducks with the vengeance of 1,000 tea partiers at a “Let’s Raise Taxes!” convention.

Back from timeout, there’s a shovel pass to LaMichael James and he walks in for….A OH MY GOD TOUCHDOWN WE’RE IN IT BABY!!!!

[LOTS OF JUMPING AND SCREAMING AND HIGH FIVING.]

I swear even the man behind me with the cane has a 42″ vertical.

Two point conversion attempt: The crowd is still frenzied as Darron Thomas takes a severely angled snap, runs to the right, throws it back across the end zone to Jeff MAN CRUSH Maehl and the two point conversion…IS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD OH YES WE ARE GOING TO STRIP NAKED AND RUN THROUGH ALL OF GODDAMN ARIZONA TONIGHT!!!!!!

[STILL JUMPING. STILL SCREAMING]

Auburn ball, two minute drill in effect: Okay, so we got the moment. Can we have a little more?

Nope. That was it. Without Kyle Brotzman, this is going to be the soul crushingest of soul crushing defeats. No need to HE rehash WAS the DOWN events !!! of such a bitter moment in Duck history.

Postgame: We sit as most Duck fans file out. I figure you get this far, you might as well suffer the hell out of it. We watch as Chizik takes a slam dunk question to give a little praise to Oregon and turns it into Sunday school. Church was yesterday, pal.

WAR EAGLE!!!

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!! I can’t take the war eagle anymore. Say hello, say goodbye, just tell me you have something else in your vocabulary besides fricking war freaking eagle!!

Outside the game, the  yellow and green people are auditioning for the Walking Dead while the rest resemble a cult of delirious humans who have been duped into believing what they just witnessed is real and not some temporary moment in time destined to be taken away in a blaze of NCAA sanctioned glory.

Me <– little bitter

Perhaps after 11 p.m., sulking through the parking lot: Auburn fans are gracious. Too nice, in fact. I, for one, do not want to be told we played a good game, that we should be proud of the effort. This is all true, but Auburn fans, kind and gracious as you are, I just don’t want to hear it right now. Please leave me alone.

War eagle!

Son of a bitch.

Day 1: The waiting is the hardest part | Day 2: When the booze is free, it gets consumed | Day 3: If nothing else, there was a moment

Sunday, January 9, 2011: When the booze is free, it gets consumed
8:30ish a.m. I probably slept five hours max. My friend who flew in from New York has a snoring habit. Frankly, I don’t know how anyone can breathe so violently and with so much force, yet sleep perfectly well. However, I learned a neat trick. This is how I got it to stop:

Tired, cranky me: “gkgkgkgkgkgkgk!!” <–That’s me simulating a snoring sound.
Still tired, still cranky me: “Louder!”
Tired me with a louder voice: “You sound like a rhinoceros!”

Snoring friend: “Was I snoring?”

Me: Ah, problem solved.

10:33 a.m. We’re at some mall in Glendale where we’ve been told the concierge is handing out free passes to the VIP tent inside the Bud Light Fiesta where all the pep rallies take place. This is a $50 value and it involves drinking as much as you want. Yes, I’ll have one of those, please.

11:00 a.m. Nike is sponsoring a town hall with the guests of Oregon past. Dan Fouts is the host. Max Unger, Jairus Byrd, Jonathan Stewart, Dennis Dixon and Joey Harrington are on the panel. Stewart seems especially loquacious. I always pegged him for a shy guy. Joey is Mr. Analytical, breaking down everything in great detail. But it’s Dixon who has the best line. Asked what he first thought of Darron Thomas, he said, “Is that me?” Yes, Dennis, it is, except this version comes with a knee that didn’t leave me in the fetal position for 43 days.

12:00 p.m. Okay, we’ve moved into the p.m. half of the day. Let’s go check out this VIP tent and get a drink.

12:23 p.m. Yeah, can I get another?

12:59 p.m. Yes, please, I’ll have another.

In the VIP, you get to hang out with people that look like Brett Michaels.

1:37 p.m. The Auburn pep rally starts at two and it has become very orange. The VIP is money, though. Everyone outside the gates is practically hugging each other. There are people lining every inch of all three levels of the adjacent parking structure. Inside the fence, though, we roam like a herd of elephants on the African plains destroying watering holes and livers all at once.

1:45 p.m. Some Auburn fan: “War eagle!”

1:45:05 p.m. Me: “Roll Tide!”

1:45:10 p.m. Some Auburn fan now with an incredulous look: “What?! Don’t say that. That’s not cool.”

1:53 p.m. They are playing a shit ton of country music.

2:00 p.m. The Auburn pep rally starts. It’s a fairly boring event. Old guys saying stuff. Pomp and circumstance all around. Wareaglewareeaglewareaglewareagle. Beer please!

O-T-P rollin' V-I-P...and sucking my thumb?

3:00 p.m. They are herding us up like cows. Our VIP passes are only good until three. The next session is at four and we don’t have passes. Problem is, we’ve been getting free drinks for three hours and are pretty sure that it is our God-given right to be in there all day long.

3:00- 4:00 p.m. I run into some family members who no doubt take note of my level of intoxication. In fact, I would receive an email from my brother a couple days later. “So, I heard you were pretty hammered…”

4:00 p.m. The VIP is open again. We’re all certain getting back in is easy.

4:15 p.m. Security won’t be bribed. What kind of VIP is this? A few people in our party manage their way in and enjoy another drink. I see an opening on the fence line. Security is looking the other way aaaaaannnddd I’m in. Damn, that was easy.

4:17 p.m. I’m in the beer line, happy as can be. I’m going to take in Sebastian Bach and Supwitchugirl from the comfort of VIP. Free beer, a chair and no lines to the bathroom. Love it.

4:18 p.m. Mean head honcho guy: Let me see the other side of your pass.

Me: Oh, this, Yeah, okay, here.

Mean head honcho guy: Get out. It wasn’t that easy was, it?

Me: No sir.

Within the next 20 minutes, everyone that’s not supposed to be in the VIP is rounded up and given the boot. Well, except for one man we made friends with. He escapes the watchful eye of security. We have an inside guy.

4:50 p.m. Man, this beer line sucks. And I have to use the bathroom, but there’s 100 people sandwiched in each square foot of space. Truth is, I would have bought a VIP pass if they weren’t sold out. That place was worth every penny.

5:00 p.m. Oregon’s pep rally starts. It’s way cooler. We have Neil Everett and Ahmad Rashad. Sebastian Bach. Supwitchugirl. On The Rocks of recent NBC fame. Most importantly, there is no country music.

Whenever the show ended: Up on Camelback Mountain, Nike is projecting the ‘O’ across the face. It alternates with a swoosh and the “Just Do It” slogan. Freaking cool.

Only you Nike.

7:30 p.m. Or maybe it’s 8. Or 6:30. I have no clue: It’s dark, there is a pretty decent band covering tunes everyone knows. It’s a festive atmosphere. I run into my distantly related cousin and his crew of people. We have a good time. But they have VIP passes and we don’t. Are we really going to do this again?

Sometime into the night before 9 pm: We are back in the VIP. The food is better this time around. Truthfully, I stopped drinking long ago. Responsibility is a bitch.

11:30ish p.m. WOTB…she had fun and with her dignity in mind, I’ll leave it at that. We got her to bed where she can sleep one off. My snoring friend and I go find an In ‘n Out and eat up. Somehow, we end up sleeping before midnight. These are no longer the days where all day drinking can be tolerated. I’m too old for that.

2ish a.m. That snoring is happening again and all three of us are awake for the next three hours. It’s the anticipation of Monday, the snoring and the early bed time all rolled into one.

Day 1: The waiting is the hardest part | Day 2: When the booze is free, it gets consumed | Day 3: If nothing else, there was a moment

Saturday, January 8, 2011: The waiting is the hardest part
9:03 a.m. Eyes open, brain active. Despair sets in. I won’t be in Glendale for another 12 and a half hours.  I am miserable.

9:54 a.m. Eat some breakfast, turn on Sebastian Bach’s We are the Ducks for the first time, but certainly not the last.

9:57 a.m. It sounded effing great, of course. Hmmm, let’s do it again.

10:00 a.m. Okay, I’m going to keep doing this until I memorize every word. This is a worthy endeavor. I need to be able to sing the words when Sebastian invites me on stage to sing along.

10:30 a.m. It doesn’t really need to be memorized, right? Besides, I just ended up playing Return of the Quack and Call Me a Duck. The words are all blended.

10:33 a.m. Been recording the season’s games to DVD. Tennessee is the last one left. I’m in the middle of moving from San Diego to Portland. We’ll see how many boxes get packed while this game runs.

2:00 p.m. A box got packed. A box.

6:30 p.m. San Diego airport arrival. The journey is real now. Still fretting over not being there. Trying to figure out if Southwest will play We are the Ducks nonstop or every 10 minutes. I wonder if Auburn fans are on my flight.

7:15 p.m. Aww, man, there are Auburn fans here. Curse you San Diego and your melting pot of America.

9:45 p.m. We’re in Sky Harbor Airport looking for our bag. We had to check one to bring all those unsold t-shirts. We’re going to make a killing in the parking lot.

9:51 p.m. You know, there seems to be a lot of Tiger fans here. War eagle? Huh? Listen, I need to go get my car.

10:51 p.m. It’s been an hour. How can I enjoy the party this state is throwing sitting in this goddamn line waiting for a [EVEN WORSE WORD] rental car? I am so ready to lose it.

10:52 p.m. Next!

10:52:30 p.m. Hi nice lady at the rental counter. It’s so great to be here! I have a car reservation. Here’s my credit card and ID. Man, this is so neat. I’m excited!

11:10 p.m. Me: “Why do these effing directions take us that way? We need to go the other way!” WOTB: I don’t know! This is what it says! Just do it what it says!”

11:11 p.m. We need a drink.

Sometime later: We arrive at Margaritaville in the Westgate area of Glendale. We get a drink. We are in the company of friends. It’s the Natty. It’s all good.

Even later: Someone in our party gets the boot. From a Margaritaville. For dancing drunkenly. I’m totally serious. Arizona is not California or Oregon.

You can, in fact, get booted from a Margaritaville.

It’s not there, but it is here thanks to a friend who passed along the mp3.

Personally, I’m going to request it to be played on my flight to Phoenix on repeat. Southwest seems like the kind of airline that would support such a thing.

Click the link to play or right click to download.

WE ARE THE DUCKS – Sebastian BACH