He’s the guru. Now on to the 2010 Coaches’ Awards.

The Rick Neuheisel award for “Tell Your Men They Work For Me Now. This is My City.

The Dennis Erickson award for “Most Jokes About Me are Played Out Because I’m So Old Now. What Else Can You Really Say?”

The Steve Sarkisian award for “No Matter What, I’ll Always Look Good Because I’m Not Lane Kiffin”

The Chip Kelly award for “Is There Anyone On This Team That didn’t Get In Trouble This Year? Seriously, One Guy is All I Need.”

The Jim Harbaugh award for “What’s Your Deal?“

The Mike Stoops award for “Is it Me or Am I Less Crazy Than I Used to Be? It’s Just Me, Isn’t It?”

The Lane Kiffin award for “If I Fail at Just One More Job, I May Get Promoted to President of The Whole Damn World”

The Pete Carroll award for “No, We Did Nothing Wrong. Everything Was by The Book. We Were Just the Victims of Circumstance. Now, Excuse Me, I Have a Practice to Attend to With My New Team”

OTP Infractions Committee

Whoa, timeout people. The OTP Infractions Committee has just discovered a major USC violation. Use of an ineligible coach for an award! All past awards are to be vacated and they’re now banned from receiving any awards for two years (pending appeal, of course). Now let’s get back to it with the teams that don’t cheat.

The Mike Riley award for “2+2=4, The Sky is Blue, Water is Wet and September Will Be a Bad Month”

The Paul Wulff award for “Can I Please Leave? It’s Not Me, It’s the Job”

The Jeff Tedford award for “Andy Ludwig is My Offensive Coordinator. This is Not a Good Thing”

For what it’s worth, if you take issue with my top three, I did it three different times putting each of the teams in the number one spot until I finally settled on the current order.

1. USC (4-1, 2-1)
Like I said, I wrote this two other ways with both Stanford and Oregon number one before settling on the Trojans. These guys are the long-standing champ and while I’d pick Oregon to win head-to-head right now, there’s something about the Trojan mystique in big games that just makes you feel like you have to beat them to deserve the top spot.

2. Stanford (4-1, 3-0)
This is more of a nod to their 3-0 record than anything else. They have looked great and should be ranked. I’m sold on them in the top three of the conference and I wouldn’t be surprised to see their only two losses come against Oregon and USC. Most teams are going to have a hard time stopping their rushing attack behind Toby Gerhart.

3. Oregon (4-1, 2-0)
I want to see Oregon on the road this week before anointing them all the way back from the opening game debacle in Boise. I don’t think there’s a team playing better football than the Ducks in the Pac-10 at the moment, but they also are coming off of a four game homestand which can be very comforting. Games at UCLA and Washington this month will give a more complete indication of the Duck’s national worthiness.

4. Arizona (3-1, 1-0)
I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’m not sold on Arizona yet. The win on the road at Oregon State came in September and everyone beats the Beavers in the first month. The rest of the conference hasn’t performed that well, so I think they’re fourth best more by default than by merit. A win at Washington this week would be good, but not enough to change my mind yet.

5. Oregon State (3-2, 1-1)
Hmmm, the Beavers just won a game they might have been expected to lose just after you had written them off. Must be October. I think scientists should investigate how it’s possible for a team to perform so poorly in September, then be so good in the months that follow. Since 2004, the Beavers are 9-12 in September and 31-11 in every other month.

6. Washington (2-3, 1-1)
This is a classic “next year” team that can ruin your present season. They just don’t quite have the “it” factor to contend at the top, but they certainly have enough – especially at home – to beat anyone on any given day. Oregon beware.

7. UCLA (3-1, 0-1)
They failed the Stanford test, mostly for a lack of offense. Based on what I saw, they’ll win a few games on the strength of their defense, but they don’t seem to be a threat to the top three.

8. Arizona State (2-1)
It doesn’t look like much is going right in Tempe. They got blitzed early by Oregon State and didn’t have a competent enough offense to make up for it. The bottom three teams, as of early October, look set to me. Maybe Cal gets it turned around, but I think ASU is in for a long season.

9. California (3-2, 0-2)
The Bears now have six points in conference play through two games. It might be too early to say it, but seriously, Andy Ludwig? Was that really the best hire? I’m no longer sure Cal is even a bowl team. It’s one thing to lose to the top teams in the conference, but it’s a whole other story when the margin of defeat has been 72-6.

10.Washington State (1-4, 0-3)
Instead of mocking the Cougars this week, I’m taking the high road. I’m just not going to say anything at all.

Seeing as how I reported Ed Dickson missing a couple weeks ago, figured I'd let Oregon know I found him.

Sunday is so much nicer after a win.

1. I’m young. I always operate under the assumption that football started in 1994. So when I say that was the best all-around performance in a regular season game by Oregon, it’s without a lot of perspective. Still, it’s hard to imagine the Ducks ever being more abusive to a top ten team.
2. Chin up Cal, you’re not the first to see dreams die at the hands of Autzen. Now, do you understand?
3. As one text I got during the game said, “anything you can do, we can do worser!” Every time Oregon made a mistake, Cal returned the favor whether it was a fumble or a five yard punt.
4. For those of you watching the game on TV, how excited are you for ABC’s new comedy lineup? Kelsey Grammer is a businessman turned family man in Hank! It’s hilarious!
5. Can we hire someone to permanently follow Jeremiah Masoli and berate him? I figure the more we heckle this guy, the better chance we have of willing him to a Heisman Trophy. Most of us need food and water to subsist. He apparently feeds only on your doubts.
6. Jahvid Best, you may formally transfer your Heisman Trophy application to LaMichael James. If you need the address, let me know.
7. Note: The previous two Heisman statements are jokes. Let’s not get carried away here.
8. Andy Ludwig should be forever banned from Autzen Stadium. Well, he’s welcome anytime as far as I’m concerned, but I would just leave him at home if I’m Tedford.
9. For those of you wanting some Nate Costa against Cal, wish granted.
10. Someone send John Canzano a schedule and ask him if he can find six wins for Oregon. Just sayin’.
11. Speaking of which, how good does the schedule look all of a sudden?
12. Uh, Washington fans, consider this our response to the loud barking you’ve been doing in the wake of your USC win. We’ll be ready.

It’s a big game Saturday. And it’s not a natural rival. In fact, I always kinda’ liked Cal. But that won’t do. Friends we cannot be. We need to manufacture some animosity to get this thing going. So with that said, I invite you to claim your disdain for Oski. I’ll get it started. And Cal fans, feel free to chime in with your own hate. You know, Nike, uniforms and the other usuals.

Before we get started, though, let’s all have a pre-post e-handshake so we can show the NCAA we’re all about sportsmanship. Agreed? Ok, on with the hate.

• I hate that when it rains in your stadium, I have to walk through three feet of standing water to get to the port-o-potty.
• I hate that you had to steal half of Eugene to build a football program.
• I hate that we can’t beat you anymore.
• I hate that your Heisman Trophy candidate (Jahvid Best) is still in the running while ours (LeGarrette Blount & Jeremiah Masoli) are, well, not.
• I hate that you think you can win with Andy Ludwig, a man personally responsible for Oregon’s worst stretch of football in the last 15 years.

Come on now. Let out the vitriol that lies within for the blue and gold. I lack a big enough readership to generate an adequate amount of hate, so do you hear me CaliforniaGoldenBlogs? AddictedtoQuack? Care to hate?

1. USC (2-0)
Why: I promised they’d be on top with a win at Ohio State. No team has proven more than they have and for the rest of the season, they stay here until someone beats them. I’m not as sold on Matt Barkley as an easily impressed media, though. That final drive was Joe McKnight. Give credit to Barkley for not losing the game, but I don’t think USC’s offense is necessarily championship caliber until he gets more experience.
Every college football fan in this country: @&%#, I thought this was a down year!!

2. UCLA (2-0)
Why: My rankings are result-based from the season at hand. Cal has looked great, but they haven’t proven anything other than that they can beat bad teams. UCLA won on the road at Tennessee and I would think of all fans, Cal can see why that’s impressive.
Quarterback Kevin Craft: “Coach, can I go back in now? Kevin (Prince) is hurt. I swear I’ll only throw two picks if you let me play. Please? Coach Neuheisel: Yeeeeaaaah, no. No, definitely not.

3. Cal (2-0)
Why: The Maryland win has less of a shine after the Terrapins nearly lost to James Madison. Beating Eastern Washington means nothing. Basically, they haven’t proven anything yet, but that’s not their fault. In my eyes, they are a legitimate challenger to USC.
Offensive Coordinator Andy Ludwig: “We’re averaging 55.5 points a game. I think I’ve proven I’m good at my job.” Us: “Oregon scored 50 points one time in your three years. What you did to our offense was a crime. You should be behind bars.”

4. Oregon State (2-0)
Why: The Beavers need to send giant gift baskets to all interested parties in that 3rd and 26 play on their game-winning drive. Without the pass interference penalty, they are probably answering questions about why they can’t win non-conference road games (I guess that wasn’t really a reason why they are 4th. Oh well.).
UNLV DB Deante Purvis: “You’re welcome. Please send the check in care of my bookie.”

5. Arizona (2-0)
Why: Well, looks like that win against Central Michigan was fairly impressive now that we’ve seen the Chippewas beat Michigan State.
AP Poll Voters: “We’re paying attention. Win at Iowa and we’ll consider it. It’s just that we haven’t seen you in, like, 11 years, so you’ll just have to be patient.”

6. Oregon (1-1)
Why: That was a tough ten days. There’s still a lot to figure out with this team, but after the opener, any win is a good win.
Oregon Fans: “Uh, well, hmmm, I, uh, yeah.”

7. Stanford (1-1)
Why: Oh Stanford, what happened? You’re my sleeper team this year. I believe in you, but come on. You let one get away and you know it. And don’t give me the 9 am PST start time.  You lost that thing in the second half.
Coach Jim Harbaugh: “Would somebody please show me this clipping penalty? I haven’t been able to find it.”

8. Arizona State (1-0)
Why: They’ve played one game and beat an FCS opponent. They travel to Georgia in two weeks and unless someone above them does something awful, they’ll stay in the bottom three until then.
Louisiana-Monroe: “We’re someone. Didn’t you see our 58-0 win over Texas Southern?” Me: “No, did anyone?”

9. Washington
Why: Because they won! They won! Oh, yes, they won!
Washington Fans: “We’re back, baby! Woof!” The rest of us: “Calm down Rufus. You beat Idaho.”

10. Washington State
Why: Sorry Cougs. The Huskies finally won a game and you are bad. Really bad. Paul Wulff…not a good choice.
Washington State fans: “We know, Nick. It’s kind of obvious so could you just stop rubbing it in?”

Stanford @ Wake Forest
I admit, I have a thing for Jim Harbaugh. He speaks his mind. He’s not one of those coaches that just sits there and spews talking points. So when he said the following in a post by Ted Miller, I smiled.

“If you’re playing a team from the opposite coast, let’s see if we can screw them on the time of kickoff,” he said. “If it’s a West Coast team playing on the East Coast, you play as early as possible and if it’s an East Coast team playing on the West Coast, you play as late as possible.”

He’s right, of course, and the smart pick is Wake Forest so that’s what I’m going with despite a strong inclination that the Cardinal might pull this one off.

The Pick: Wake Forest

Idaho @ Washington
You might ask why I’m smiling so much. My response would be (1) it’s kind of creepy that you know I’m smiling and (2) there is at least a possibility that Washington loses this game and sets a Pac-10 record for most consecutive losses. Is it going to happen? No, but it could and you have to have been pretty damn terrible to surpass a record that Oregon State set twice during 28 years of ineptitude.

The Pick: Washington (Congratulations! You’re all winners!)

UCLA @ Tennessee
Unfortunately for the Pac-10 this year, most of its key non-conference games are being played on the road. It could be a good conference with a bad draw. That’s how it goes. Slick Rick is still working on officially ending the dynasty in L.A. and hasn’t had time to figure out how to pull a win out at Rocky Top. This one could be ugly.

The Pick: Tennessee

E. Washington @ California
Now here’s a game you would find in the SEC. Top ten team meets Div. I FCS school. It’s one of those picks where I should have a handicap. I should have to guess the number of times Andy Ludwig calls for a screen pass on third and long to get any points for this pick. Actually, we already know the answer to that (hint: every damn time).

The Pick: California

Hawaii @ Washington State
Great, the Cougs buy out of next season’s game against Hawaii the very week they have to play the (Rainbow) Warriors. Why do you do anything that could remotely effect the attitude of the team you are playing, especially when it’s one of two games on the entire schedule you have any chance of winning? Bah, the Cougs can still handle this and get the Pac-10 above .500 against the WAC.

The Pick: Washington State

USC @ Ohio State
Last year, this was a no-brainer. This season, it still is but with just a hint of intrigue. After all, it’s in Columbus and features Terrelle (I really want to visit Oregon…no, seriously, I’m going to visit…just wait a little longer…I need to make this recruiting thing last a few more months…Surprise, I’m going to Ohio State) Pryor who should make it difficult for USC’s defense. Still, come on, it’s Ohio State in a game against a good team. Easy pick.

The Pick: USC

N. Arizona @ Arizona
They seem to play this game every year. Or maybe they alternate it with ASU. I don’t know. I don’t really care and I’m kind of annoyed I have to spend any time debating who will win this game. So I won’t.

The Pick: Arizona

Purdue @ Oregon
Either Oregon is in complete disarray and is about to slide into the worst season in program history or it’s completely fine. We’ll know more Saturday. The bet here, and it’s because I’m a total homer, is that Oregon will prove in a big way that they have a lot left to say about this season.

The Pick: Oregon

Oregon State @ UNLV
Fortunately, if things do go sour quickly for Oregon, we can always flip it over to this game instead and watch the Beavers execute their annual big early loss on the road (someone be sure to tell my Beaver family I’m kidding. I need money for my wedding next year).

The Pick: Oregon State

• The idea of Andy Ludwig positively effecting the Cal Bears offense? Annoying. I hold him personally responsible for the 2002-04 era that was so wretched. I expect Cal to score maybe 4 points when they come to Eugene.
• This team. You already know why.
• Cal and Washington have better fanbases than Oregon? Ugh. May I counter? Ok, thanks. Here goes.  I went to the Oregon vs. Cal game last year. Sloppy day. It was probably the worst weather in the Bay Area in 10 years (like I’d know). The rain must have kept people away because that was a lackluster crowd. If you are the best fan base in your conference, you have a FULL STADIUM for every game! That’s it. End of story. Put them #2. I don’t care. If they can’t sell it out and keep the stadium full for every game, they aren’t the best fan base. I don’t even need to provide any more argument…but I will. They have been trying to remodel their stadium since, what, 1832? It took them half a decade just to cut down some trees. As for Washington, well, the argument could have been made before they went all “Duke football” on us, but that ship of best fan base has sailed. You can’t put them in the top two right now.
• Is the Pac-10 quarterbacking situation so bad that Jake Locker is second best? That can’t be right. His career stats read like this: 48.7% completion rate, 15 TDs and 15 INTs. Oh, he has 1,166 yards rushing. Hell of  a running back. Something tells me this same link will show up in the things that make me happy post.
• Shifting outside the Pac-10, why doesn’t the media realize that Tim Tebow is the actual second coming of Jesus? It’s happening right now in Gainesville, FL, people! If they played football on water, he’d be the only guy that doesn’t need a boat.

Things that are making me happy.