This week’s SearchBag gets turned over to the great fans of the Washington Huskies*. They searched, I answer.

*While it may seem based on the locations of these searches, they couldn’t possibly all be Huskies, I can assure you they are. Assure means the same thing as assume, right?

• just how cool is offthepond (Google Search in Mililani, HI)

Stop it. You’re just trying to butter me up so I’ll take it easy on you.

(pst, hey, it’s working! That’s, like, the best search anyone’s ever done.)

• washington oregon football rivalry (Google Search in Mukilteo, WA)

ri-val [rahy-vuhl] -noun
a person or thing that is in a position to dispute another’s preeminence or superiority

Key phrase is “in a position.” Does Oregon-Washington really sound like a rivalry to you?

• what to do before oregon duck football game (Google Search in Honolulu, HI)

Yeah, that guy. Go say hi.

Have I got just the thing for you! From 10:30 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., you can go hang with Kenny Wheaton. Oh, don’t act like you forgot. He’s doing an SI Chalk Talk and autograph session (compliments of Nissan..hey PR guy, I put it in!). You can do the same thing with Joey Harrington at 9:00 a.m. Just cruise on over to PK Park and check it out.

• is everyone wearing costumes (Google Search in Forest Hill, MD)

Um, no? Perhaps if the game was played last weekend, but…no, I…I don’t believe so.

• chip kelly oregon ducks does he say what color to wear for fans (Google Search in Corvallis, OR)

Ok, yes, that is true. He wants everyone to wear yellow. It does NOT have to be a costume. And I know what your next question is, so let me just say no, you can’t substitute gold.

• “dress up as each other” (Google Search in Manchester, England)

Haha, clever, but no. You have to wear your purple and take this beating like you wanted it. Are we good on attire? Can we move on?

• jeff maehl nude (Google Search in Denham Springs, LA and Medfield, MA)

Just because I ask for a question that doesn’t have to do with clothing doesn’t mean you need to be a sarcastic jackass. And if both of you are being serious, ewwwww.

• who is chip kelly (Google Search in Eugene, OR)

You haven’t heard? He’s the Oregon coach that has the Ducks ranked No. 1 in the country. He took ‘em to a Rose Bowl in his first year. He beat the Huskies 43-19 in his first attempt.

• chip kelly contract (Google Search in Dover, DE)

Haha, I see you are convinced. Sorry, we locked that up for another six years. Enjoy “Sark Attack.”

• jake locker (Google Search in Bremerton, WA)

Kind of sums it up, doesn't it?

Oooh,  I didn’t think you were going to bring that up. Didn’t really work out as planned did it? It just feels mean to joke about the guy anymore. You’ve suffered enough.

• chip kelly secrets (Google Search in Newburgh, IN)

I’m not really at liberty to say.

• flomax competitor (Google Search in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada)

God, I HATE spammers! They infect everything. Can we get back to SearchBag, please?

• whats wrong with kenjon barner (Yahoo Search in Riverside, CA)

Actually, nothing. He’s going to play. I guess Satuday’s not sounding any better, huh?

• we are proven (Google Search in Auburn, WA)

I’ll take “things that were true in 1991″ for a thousand.

• jeff fisher thinks ducks could score in nfl (Google Search in White Plains, NY)

Yeah, I heard that, too. And you know what? It sounds like a compliment, but the offense is so good, it’s actually quite insulting.

Just try to keep it under 60 and you’ll have your moral victory.

• u of o football like playing the “jetsons” (Google Search in Seattle, WA)

I’m still not exactly sure what that means. I get the whole space age, future-life thing, but wouldn’t the Jetsons kind of suck at football? Honestly, a robot, a dog, Judy. And George is like a toothpick. They resemble the Huskies more than the Ducks.

• i love my ducks (Google Search in Gretna, LA)

Figured you’d come around. Enjoy the game.

The blog wishes the Huskies luck this weekend and appreciates the search effort. Even Huskies can follow Off The Pond on Twitter. Equal opportunity followship is the policy around here. Just don’t be offended when I mock thee….because I will.

If they keep losing, I keep doing the picture, simple as that. For God's sake, win 7 games and let us move on already!

When did the rivalry die for you? Was it 31-6? How about 55-34? 43-19? Oh, don’t tell me. You’re one of those people still insisting you despise the Huskies. Not silly-haha hate, but pure, unadulterated loathing that has your blood boiling at the mention of the color purple.

You probably like to kick dead kittens too, huh?

Wanna’ know how I came to the conclusion the rivalry is dead? I’ve spent the last four “Husky weeks” on this blog openly rooting for Washington to play better football.

That’s perverse, but what do you want from me? I miss launching urine bags at people wearing a malamute-adorned sweater. Doing it now just seems rude.

Don’t get me wrong. The rivalry is only dead in the sense your grass won’t grow in the middle of winter. The seed’s still there and the thing has the ability to sprout up faster than you can say “Ted Bundy was a Husky.”

It’ll never happen, though, unless Washington starts winning. No, not those 5-7 “we’re back” seasons. I’m talking about real winning, the kind that makes a Duck fan go into the game thinking, “We could lose today.” The Huskies haven’t been close to that since the redacted years of modern football history, 2002 and 2003.

We’ll go on joking about Jake Locker, laughing at the bad coaching and mocking general ineptitude that is so inept you’re almost impressed with the efficiency at which it operates.

And we’ll do it as long as we have to, Washington. We’re a patient bunch.

But don’t tell me it’s the same thing. It’s not 2000 when a top five Husky team went down at Autzen Stadium. It’s not 1994 when Kenny Wheaton scored. It’s not 1997 when Pat Johnson silenced Husky Stadium with a game-winning play so good, they just call it “The Catch.”

Plain and simple, it just ain’t the same. And so we go on, failing to belligerently berate old ladies in purple for another year. Woe is the rivalry.

Labeled as “The Catch” in 1997, Patrick Johnson’s diving catch in the end zone gave Oregon back to back road wins in the series for the first time since 1935. This is a cool version that takes off of the NBA’s 2009 playoff theme (YouTube Credit: jtlight, I believe, of AddictedToQuack.com).

I’m a bit young for this one, but I’ve been conditioned over the years to know this 17-14 win in 1988 was due to Terry Obee’s late touchdown (YouTube Credit: jtlight again).

Oregon’s win over #6 Washington in 2000 lacked that defining play the others possess, but it deserves to stand up there as one of the biggest wins for Oregon over the course of the rivalry (YouTube Credit: keeerrrttt1, which is a user that apparently has a sticky keyboard).

Just for good measure, a smattering of plays from 2008 to serve as a reminder that this is the greatest period of Duck domination in the rivalry’s history even if it’s lacked any serious intrigue (YouTube Credit: duckuniverse).

OTP: Coaches, thanks for being here. Fire away.

Steve Sarkisian: Thanks, Nick. First thing I have to say  is, from looking at results recently, you guys have owned us.
OTP: Is that a question?
Sarkisian: Not really. I mean, it’s pretty much a fact and I just thought I’d mention it.
OTP: Well, yes it is and thanks for the note, but I’m here to help you understand this rivalry, not repeat the fact that Oregon has owned Washington with five straight wins and an average margin of victory of just under 23 points, ok?

Sarkisian: Got it. Here’s a question, then. Who is this Rick Neuheisel I keep hearing about? Only thing I know about him is he told us at USC that our dynasty was over. Seemed absurd.
OTP: Now you’re talking. Nueheisel was essentially Washington’s answer to Oregon’s mid-90s dominance when they took 3 of 4 from the Huskies. Scared as hell that lowly Oregon was surpassing their program, they found a coach that could actually beat the Ducks. See, Neuheisel had defeated Oregon twice in bowl games while at Colorado. This included the 1996 Cotton Bowl where he pissed off Oregon with a fake punt in a game the Ducks were getting blown out. He was a natural fit for Washington.

Sarkisian: So how’d it go?
OTP: Haha, famously. Well, until it became a disaster. He went 2-1 against the Ducks and was pretty much hated south of the border. In other words, just what Washington wanted. There was no love between him and Mike Bellotti. He has a shady recruiter that was really good at bending the rules without actually breaking them. But then he did break them. And got fired. It was messy, but along the way he got Washington back to the Rose Bowl and to this date, is still the last Husky coach with a winning season.

Chip Kelly: Didn’t Oregon do something with Rick and a video board?
OTP: Someone’s been studying. In 2001, at the Civil War with Washington recruits in attendance, Oregon repeatedly played a clip of a woman vomiting juxtaposed against an image of Neuheisel. Frankly, I thought it was in good taste, but Oregon later apologized.

Sarkisian: That seems mean. Was it nasty when Neuheisel was around?
OTP: You could say that. There were absurd accusations that Bellotti was using the Huskies list to recruit players. Oregon safety Keith Lewis sparked some spirited trash talk in the media for a couple years. Washington even concluded a dominant win in Autzen Stadium by dancing at midfield on Oregon’s logo in 2002. By the time Neuheisel was fired in the offseason before the 2003 campaign, the rivalry may have been at its peak.

Kelly: I keep watching this highlight video before home games and they always end with the same play. They’re wearing this uniform I’ve never seen with a Duck that looks like Donald. What the heck happened?
OTP: Well, Chip, I’m glad you brought that up. In 1994…
Kelly: 1994! That’s when football started right?
OTP: Yes Chip. Now don’t interrupt me again. In 1994, Oregon came into the game against Washington with only three wins in the series dating back to 1974. The Huskies had gone to six Rose Bowls in that span and Oregon had only recently competed in a bowl game five years earlier for the first time since 1963. In other words, Oregon had been really bad, Washington really good. The Huskies came into Autzen Stadium highly ranked and again gunning for a Rose Bowl appearance. Late in the game, a guy named Damon Huard drove the Huskies on a late drive that was aiming to break the hearts of all Duck fans. Then, this happened.
Sarkisian: What’s “this?”
OTP: You just need to click the link when I post this, ok, Steve? To answer your question, Chip, that “replay” you see every Saturday is your program’s defining moment. It touched off a Rose Bowl run for the first time since 1957 and more importantly, it changed the course of Oregon football. For 15 years since, the Ducks have been a different program. They’ve won 10 of 14 in the series. It was, as you stated a moment ago, the birth of modern Oregon football.

Sarkisian: Did you guys really throw feces and urine at us?
OTP: Ah, Steve refers to the legend that Oregon fans hurled dog feces and urine at Washington players. I’ll tell you what. I’m just going to say it’s true, because I want you to feel frightened next year when you visit Autzen. But if you really believe that, don’t blame me for calling you dumb.

Sarkisian: Ok, I guess it didn’t happen. But I was wondering if you ever heard of this half national title Washington won in the 1991 season?
OTP: Whoever heard of half a title? What does that mean? Does it really even count? I mean, Washington cheated so much back then, it made Tonya Harding blush. Actually, that brings up another point. Washington’s dominant run was killed when it was discovered the Huskies had been rampantly cheating. They were put on probation and the program has never since sustained success like it did for those 20 or so years. This is something Oregon fans revel in.

Kelly: Cheaters, huh?
OTP: Yep, cheaters.

Kelly: Is this really a rivalry anymore? I’ve been here two years and it seems pretty boring.
OTP: Funny you should say that. Used to be, Husky fans wouldn’t acknowledge the rivalry. But for the recent lull, blame Tyrone Willingham. He was big on running a classy operation, but didn’t seem to care much about winning.

Sarkisian: I think I got a solution for that. Have you seen Nick Holt?
OTP: Very promising, coach. I like what you did, there. Frankly, and no offense to you, I thought the Huskies hired the wrong USC offensive coordinator. Lane Kiffin would have been way more fun. But you seem to possess a quality I could get annoyed with and Holt certainly will be easy to hate. Let’s just say I’m intrigued and hopeful.

Kelly: Hey, did you see what I did in the spring? I’m trying to kickstart this thing into gear.
OTP: Yeah, good work, Chip. We need more. Digs at Washington when there’s really no reason for it is completely acceptable in my book and, frankly, I want more if it.

Kelly: I’ll do my best. I’ll start it off with a win this weekend, ok?
Sarkisian: Hey, look out, we’re back!
OTP: No you’re not. Not yet, anyway.

Perhaps I’m making too much of it, but have you been to an Oregon game since 1995? Have you downloaded an Oregon ringtone or casually watched a YouTube clip? If so, you’ve seen or heard “The Pick” and anytime you celebrate something that much, eventually, you get bit. First chance? December 3rd. Maybe he’ll try studying abroad.