He’s the guru. Now on to the 2010 Coaches’ Awards.

The Rick Neuheisel award for “Tell Your Men They Work For Me Now. This is My City.

The Dennis Erickson award for “Most Jokes About Me are Played Out Because I’m So Old Now. What Else Can You Really Say?”

The Steve Sarkisian award for “No Matter What, I’ll Always Look Good Because I’m Not Lane Kiffin”

The Chip Kelly award for “Is There Anyone On This Team That didn’t Get In Trouble This Year? Seriously, One Guy is All I Need.”

The Jim Harbaugh award for “What’s Your Deal?“

The Mike Stoops award for “Is it Me or Am I Less Crazy Than I Used to Be? It’s Just Me, Isn’t It?”

The Lane Kiffin award for “If I Fail at Just One More Job, I May Get Promoted to President of The Whole Damn World”

The Pete Carroll award for “No, We Did Nothing Wrong. Everything Was by The Book. We Were Just the Victims of Circumstance. Now, Excuse Me, I Have a Practice to Attend to With My New Team”

OTP Infractions Committee

Whoa, timeout people. The OTP Infractions Committee has just discovered a major USC violation. Use of an ineligible coach for an award! All past awards are to be vacated and they’re now banned from receiving any awards for two years (pending appeal, of course). Now let’s get back to it with the teams that don’t cheat.

The Mike Riley award for “2+2=4, The Sky is Blue, Water is Wet and September Will Be a Bad Month”

The Paul Wulff award for “Can I Please Leave? It’s Not Me, It’s the Job”

The Jeff Tedford award for “Andy Ludwig is My Offensive Coordinator. This is Not a Good Thing”

1. Oregon. Reading last year’s prediction post, I feel kind of smart. I’d like to be right again, but that will pretty much entirely depend on who’s running the offense and how well they’re doing it. Every aspect of this team is a sure thing (kickers aside) except for the most important position, quarterback. That’s a strange dynamic that’s hard to predict. I like to think back to Tennessee in 1998. They had a great team returning but had lost Peyton Manning. The Volunteers went on to win a national title with first year starter and senior Tee Martin at quarterback. So there’s the blue print Nate Costa.

2. Oregon State. I’m going all Oregon this year. I rarely – if ever – predict the Beavers correctly so take that for what it’s worth. I’m looking forward to their 1-4 start followed by a hot streak that ends with a Civil War loss to deny them a Rose Bowl. It’s more predictable than 2 + 2 and it’s a pattern I can live with.

3. Arizona. Not comfortable with this at all and it’s awkward leaving USC so far down the list. But for once, I think I actually like what Mike Stoops has going. Mind you, not a fan of the guy…just sayin’ it could be a good year.

4. USC. Ok, ok, let’s throw the Trojans in here, huh? You didn’t think I’d completely bury them, did you? I don’t know why everyone is so certain the Trojans will bounce back and dominate again. On what basis? A new coach that gets worse with every promotion he gets? Fewer scholarship players? Incredible turmoil throughout the entire program? What about that screams championship season? Frankly, I want to put them about 6th, but I’m not that dumb.

5. Washington. Is Off The Pond saying they’re back? No. But middle of the pack suits them well this year. They still have a running back taking the snaps and the talent level still isn’t on par with the elite teams in the conference. I cringe to say it, but I do think this could be a good year for the Huskies with a few breaks. As much as I dislike Jake Locker, I’ll bet he has a good year.

6. Stanford. Teams 2-6 I feel are going to get real jumbled up. So having Stanford here isn’t necessarily saying they’ll have a bad year, but just that it’s too competitive at the top and without Toby Gerhart, I need to see some proof.

7. Cal. Oh, Tedford, remember when Oregon fans wanted you as their coach? Remember when Cal was a top 10 team going blow for blow with USC? Yeah, that’s not happening anymore.

8. UCLA. The Bruins just feel so nondescript these days. This is a school that should have amazing, name-brand athletes, but little seems to ever pan out from their recruiting classes. I think they’ll be better, but there’s just not much room for them to move up in the conference this year.

9. Arizona State. Another team that seems devoid of any significant names on the roster. They just don’t scare you at all. They should, but there’s eight better teams in this conference.

10. Washington State. Mom always said if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Well, actually, I do have something nice to say. Thank you Cougs for guaranteeing I’ll always get at least 10% of my picks right.

Oregon @ Washington
The Huskies have been competitive but that doesn’t make them good. Oregon, unfortunately, gets Washington on the road where they have been significantly better. Still, I’d be surprised if the Huskies have enough to win this game. Crowds and passion are great, but in the end, one team’s better than the other and in this case, it’s Oregon by a mile.

The Pick…Oregon with a Jeremiah Masoli caveat. If he doesn’t play, I reserve the right to have this pick annulled.

Washington State @ California
In a league where any team could lose to eight other squads, everyone loves a date with Washington State. Cal’s rehabilitation will look even brighter after Saturday.

The Pick…California with absolutely no caveats whatsoever.

UCLA @ Arizona
Could it be? Are the Mike Stoops-led Wildcats for real? We’ve been promised this for years and I’ll be damned if Arizona doesn’t actually have something brewing finally. This one should be a breeze as UCLA is reeling.

The Pick…Arizona

Oregon State @ USC
Growing up in a Beaver household, I had an atypical upbringing for a Duck fan. I actually find it cool to see OSU in the spotlight like this against USC. Sure, they’ve been winning for 10 years now, but they’ve come a loooooooong way. Still, I have ulterior motives here, so mom, dad, you’ll have to excuse me while I root for the Trojans.

The Pick…USC, but not in a blowout. I don’t think the Trojans really have it in them this year to demolish teams like they have in the past.

Arizona State @ Stanford
I still love you Stanford!! I feel like a jilted lover that can’t let go at this point. We had some good times and I have no idea how it all fell apart. You can still do this guys. You’re back at home where you don’t lose and it’s just Arizona State. Take care of business, dammit.

The Pick…Stanford. Oh, my sweet Stanford.

1. Cal
Why: Dismantled Maryland
The Cal fanbase says: “Oh my God, we KILLED Maryland. We’ll probably roll over USC and everyone else. Why aren’t we getting votes for #1? Jahvid Best is the Heisman Trophy. We’re sooo goooooood!!!”

2. USC
Why: For the moment, they have to yield to Cal. Win at Ohio State and the top spot is rightfully theirs.
USC fans retort to Cal: “Hahahahahaha. Hahaha. Ha. Haha.”

3. Stanford
Why: They beat a glorified Pac-10 team while nobody else won a game that even remotely mattered.
Stanford fans: “We played a football game on Saturday?”

4. Arizona
Why: Week 1 competition in the Pac-10 was mostly terrible. Central Michigan was at least respectable and holding a team with a quality quarterback to six points is impressive.
Coach Mike Stoops: “Well, I thought when I ran 50 yards onto the field to yell at the ref, it was a real turning point. Our guys really responded.”

5. UCLA
Why: The rest of the teams either beat an FCS team or didn’t win, so it’s only by default for now.
L.A. Times Columnist TJ Simers: “Rick Neuheisel is a lying liar who lies. He told me they beat SDSU, but I don’t believe him.”

6. Oregon State:
Why: They get a penalty for playing Portland State, but deserve a bump for being better than ASU.
Moral, Righteous and Sanctimonious Oregon State fans: “Oregon is so classless and Blount is such a thug and Chip Kelly is a born loser. I’m sooo happy!”

7. Arizona State
Why: The last of the Pac-10 winners in week 1, but over lowly Idaho State.
Everyone: “We’ll check in at the end of September when your season actually starts.”

8. Oregon
Why: Worst played game this decade by the Ducks.
New coach Chip Kelly: “Why are those headlights so bright? I feel stuck. I can’t move! Will someone turn off those damn headlights?!?”

9. WSU
Why: They’re terrible.
Conversation between two Duck fans: Fan 1: “When do we play Washington State?” Fan 2: “Why?” Fan 1: “I want to know when we’ll get our first win.” Fan 2: “Oh, looks like Oct. 3.”

10. Washington
Why: Uh, they’re on the verge of a Pac-10 football record for most consecutive losses. Until that gets fixed, they’re #10.
Savior of Husky football coach Steve Sarkisian: “We try really hard now! We only lost by eight at home to such a powerful program. We feel really good about us. This is U-Dub football!

The Dennis Erickson Award for “What, I’m Still in the Same Place? Why?”
…And the Winner Is: Taylor Mays, USC Safety. It’s shocking that he came back. Everyone assumed he would enter the NFL draft as a surefire first round pick. Instead, he’s at USC for his senior year and figures to anchor a raw, but talented USC defense.

The Chip Kelly Award for “I’m Destined For Greatness, So Why is Everyone a Little Unsure?”
…And the winner is: Whichever quarterback starts for USC in its opening game. Two Trojan quarterbacks have won Heisman Trophies under Pete Carroll and every time they break in someone new, the doubters quickly subside. Still, until Aaron Corp or Matt Barkley prove it, it’s all guesswork.

The Pete Carroll Award for “How Many Times Do I Have to Say It? This is Where I Want To Be”
…And the winner is: Markus Wheaton, OSU WR. Yep, Wheaton is a Beaver. Duck fans probably still can’t believe the cousin of Kenny Wheaton would do such a thing. We’re still waiting to hear it was a joke. The Ducks now just have to hope Oregon State doesn’t get a program-defining moment from Kenny’s cousin.

The Steve Sarkisian Award for “We’re Going to Be Awesome Because I Said So”
…And the winner is: The Arizona Wildcats. Anyone else feel like Mike Stoops’ bunch has been the next coming of greatness in the conference for the last five years? All they have is a 6-6 regular season and a Las Vegas Bowl trophy to show for it. Sure, the honor could have been given to Washington, but it was ineligible to win its coach’s own award.

The Paul Wulff Award for “Hi, We’re Still Up Here. Hey, over here! Watch for us, We’re Going to Be Better. Ah, Screw It, We’re Terrible.”
…And the Winner Is: Kevin Prince, UCLA QB. Okay, that’s not fair to the redshirt freshman Prince and “terrible” is too strong of a word, but the point is that even though UCLA is moving on from a disastrous year at the quarterback position, they undoubtedly have more growing pains ahead.

The Mike Stoops Award for “I’m a Star. No, Really, Ignore the Mediocrity Because I’m a Star!”
…And the Winner Is: Jake Locker. Sorry, Saint Locker of the Seattleites. It’s not that I want to give you this award, it’s just that you’ve never done anything to justify all the hype your fans are heaping on you. Feel free to prove us wrong.

The Rick Neuheisel Award for “We’re Coming For You No Matter How Ridiculous That Sounds”
…And the Winner Is: The Stanford Cardinal. Believe it or not, Stanford might be good this year. It’s even possible they creep into the top four teams in the conference. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Cardinal make a leap to a bowl game for this first time since 2001.

The Mike Riley Award for “What Else Do We Have to Do to Prove We’re Good?”
…And the Winner Is: The whole gosh-darned (tribute to Riley-speak) Pac-10. A 5-0 bowl record in 2008 and stellar records this decade against fellow BCS teams just isn’t enough. Distribution of your product to the masses matters and the Pac-10 is lacking a national audience. Just keep on winning, I guess.

The Jeff Tedford Award for “How Did We Go From Underdog to Overrated?”
…And the Winner Is: Jeremiah Masoli. As a fan of the Duck’s quarterback, it hurts to put him here, but it’s a natural fit. Masoli still has a lot to prove as his hype is riding on the back of a three game stretch to end 2008. He’ll need to put together a full season of strong play.

The Jim Harbaugh Award for “We’re Borderline Geniuses and Oh, Yeah, We Can Play Too”
…And the Winner Is: Mike Nixon, ASU LB. Let’s see, Nixon carries a 4.05 GPA in Political Science and was an Honorable Mention All-Conference player in 2008. And this year, he’s tabbed as a preseason first team player by many. Yeah, he kind of owns this category.

View past Coach’s Awards: 2008

1. Oregon. Listen, you can laugh at it, you can mock it, but I’m sticking with it. I don’t care. I know it’s ridiculous, but I’ve fallen in line every year with everyone else and put “USC at No. 1″ on auto-pilot. I’m not going to do it this year. I have my reasons and they sound a lot better when you consider I’m rooting for it. USC doesn’t have that championship feel this year. I think 2 losses and even 3 is possible. With all of the Ducks toughest conference games at home, it’s not improbable (sure, a little unlikely). In 2007…no, forget that. I’m not discussing it. You know what happened. So do I. There’s no reason to relive it. Let’s just say I feel confident about this Duck team, even with the question marks.
2. USC. It would be fun to drop them lower, but that would have put my IQ in a class that scientists would liken to brain damage. I don’t know if it’s the quarterback situation or the wholesale changes on defense, but the whole thing doesn’t feel right for the Trojans this year. I even think they’re going to get a battle from Ohio State. No, not really. I mean, come on, it’s Ohio State. Ultimately, USC has to travel to Oregon and to Cal. Throw in the typical sleeper game that bites them and the Trojans could finish a very mediocre 10-2 or 9-3.
3. Cal. It’s pretty much a consensus this year that Cal and Oregon are USC’s main challengers (which means one of these two teams will probably tank). The Golden Bears haven’t seemed like a top-tier team in a long time but it was just 1 1/2 seasons ago that they rose to #2 in the national polls. If Kevin Riley gives them any semblance of consistency at quarterback (well, good consistency), I like their chances of making a run at the number one spot. Remember, they have beat Oregon three straight times including at Autzen in the year that shall not be named.
4. Oregon State. Other than my risky homerism, I pretty much agree with the Pac-10 media that voted these four teams at the top. With the Beavers, I’m doing it more on reputation. Everyone has been burned so many times by predicting a letdown season that no one will dare doubt them now. My problem with them is I wonder about playmaking. Jacquizz Rodgers is legit, but he’s more of a workhorse and at his size, injuries are a concern. His brother James is capable of some big plays, but across the board, I don’t see star power on offense. I won’t doubt the defense. They’ve replaced players before with ease.
5. Stanford. This is the team I see making the leap this year. I’ve grown tired of waiting for Mike Stoops to rage his way into the top half of the conference. It’s not happening. the Cardinal had a great season last year, but couldn’t finish with the home stretch against Oregon, USC and Cal. I envision a 6-2 start for this team before they run into the same year-ending triumverate from a year ago. The season ender at home against Notre Dame could give them their first winning season since 2001.
6. Arizona State. This team is better than what they did a year ago. A six game losing streak just demoralized them. I’m not saying they bounce back and topple the best teams, but a bowl game should be in the cards for the Sun Devils.
7. Arizona. Like I said, I’m done with the Wildcats impending rise that has been predicted for about four years now. Making a bowl game for the first time this decade was a positive step, but come on, it was still 6-6. Are we supposed to be impressed by that? Do I still just not like Mike Stoops (or Bob Stoops or Mark Stoops or whatever other brother they can find)? Yeah, that probably has something to do with it.
8. UCLA. It’s a strange world when schools in Arizona and UCLA can’t get to the top half of the conference. They have weather, location, and everything else that attracts an 18 year old college kid. The Bruins figure to be in for another rough season. They have a tough schedule and there seems to be a huge lack of legit playmakers on the team.
9. Washington. Moving from 10th to 9th is upward mobility. That’s what the Steve Sarkisian era brings. The record is likely to improve by about three, maybe four games. A team on the rise. Here comes the Huskies. Bow down.
10. Washington State. I can go the route of being nice to the consensus last place team. Might as well considering the opposition is going to provide enough humiliation. I just can’t, though. This program is in an awful state. Cutting the 60 point opponent outbursts to two would be considered improvement. I can’t believe this has happened to a school that finished in the top ten three straight times earlier this decade.

The Dennis Erickson Award for “It’s Been Fun, But it’s Time to Move On”
…And the Winner Is: Taylor Mays, USC Safety. An overwhelming consensus first-round pick by every useless mock draft the internet has to offer, the junior is a season away from becoming an early entrant to the 2009 NFL Draft.

The Mike Bellotti Award for “If the Game Was Only 61 Minutes Long, I Would Have Won”
…And the winner is: Kevin Riley, Cal Quarterback. Some advice for you this year, Kevin: spike the ball, call a timeout, or run out of bounds.

The Pete Carroll Award for “I Don’t Care If You’re Good, I Just Don’t Like You”
…And the winner is: Rudy Carpenter, Arizona State Quarterback. I don’t feel like I should have to explain this. Actually, I’m not even sure if I can. I just don’t like him.

The Tyrone Willingham Award for “I Looked A Lot Better When I First Got Onto Campus”
…And the winner is: Ben Olson, UCLA Quarterback. He’s injured. Again. As a former “5-Star Recruit,” big things were expected and yet, it never happened.

The Paul Wulff Award for “Player You’ve Never Heard of and Probably Never Will”
…And the Winner Is: Jeff Bowen, Washington State Offensive Lineman. The criteria here was to find a guy on the consensus 10th place team that is a senior and listed 4th on the depth chart at his position. Hopefully, Jeff Bowen Googles his name someday and finds out about this prestigious award. Also, given that he is 100 lbs heavier than me at the same height, I would appreciate it if he has a sense of humor.

The Mike Stoops Award for “Biggest Douchebag”
…And the Winner Is: Mike Stoops, Arizona Head Coach. Congratulations, you just won your own award. I’d say the voting is rigged, but I think we can all agree, you earned it coach.

The Rick Neuheisel Award for “Player Most Likely to Get Penalized”
…And the Winner Is: Jeremy Perry, Oregon State Guard. He wins for two reasons: (1) He’s an offensive lineman and those guys hold on every play and (2) He’s quoted on ESPN.com saying, “I’m nasty, even if the whistle blows, I guarantee I’ll get the last shove.”

The Mike Riley Award for “The First Month Doesn’t Really Matter Anyway”
…And the Winner Is: Tie between Jake Locker (UW Quarterback) and Mark Sanchez (USC Quarterback). Both players have suffered injuries that could cause early season issues for their respective teams if they don’t come back healthy.

The Jeff Tedford Award for “Yeah, He Was Great When I Coached Him, But What About Now?”
…And the Winner Is: No, not Joey Harrington, Trent Dilfer, Kyle Boller, Akili Smith, AJ Feeley or Aaron Rodgers. The winner is Mitch Mustain, USC Quarterback. The hype is there for the heralded transfer from Arkansas. Will he deliver, especially if Mark Sanchez can’t go?

The Jim Harbaugh Award for “I Probably Shouldn’t Have Said That, But I’ll Go Ahead and Back It Up Anyway”
…And the Winner Is: Carson Palmer, former USC and current Cincinnati Bengals Quarterback. All’s quiet among current players so far in 2008 so we turn to Palmer’s ill-advised diatribe against Ohio State. Sure, he’s right and his alma mater will back him up, but that doesn’t endear you to your current Ohio fan base.

1. USC
What can I say, I like to live dangerously. If anyone picks any other team here, they should apply for a job on ESPN. I’m not saying the network employs an overwhelming number of people who say stuff they don’t mean for attention, it’s just…no, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Just pick USC and get on with it.

2. Oregon
“Hey, homer! Nice pick!” Thank you, whoever just said that. I do think it’s a nice pick. Look, tell me which team in the Pac-10 you feel absolutely, positively comfortable declaring is the second best team behind USC. Arizona State? Cal? Oregon State? Given this uncertainty I feel, I’m going with the homer pick. The secondary has three sure-fire NFL guys starting and the offense is a quarterback away from being dominant again. They have five guys to choose from, so whoever becomes the starter has to be great. I mean, that’s how the lottery works – you buy five tickets instead of one and your chances of winning are 500% better. It’s just math, people.

3. Arizona State
I’m just not sold on ASU as a great team. Everyone got all excited over their 8-0 start last year, but only one of those 8 teams finished with a winning record in their respective conference. And that one team – Oregon State – is notoriously bad in September. Eventually, they lost easily to Oregon, USC and Texas. Maybe year two of the Dennis Erickson experiment, otherwise known as the “time to look for a new job phase,” will see them elevate to another level but I don’t think so.

4. Oregon State
Yeah, I said it. Oregon State. I was going to do this whole hate rivalry thing and put them last, but then I realized they’re not actually that hated. Hey, don’t blame me. Ted Miller wrote it. Or should I say, didn’t write it. Do I actually believe Oregon State is the fourth best team in the conference? No, not really, but they have been consistently finishing in the top half of the conference lately, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to have to listen to my dad bitch about getting no respect.

5. Cal
I’m giving the Bears the benefit of the doubt here, simply because they’ve earned it under Jeff Tedford. Last year is an anomaly in his tenure and you have to imagine they will bounce back. Plus, when previewing the Oregon-Cal game last year, I learned that Jack Bauer got his degree at Berkeley. There’s no way you bet against Jack Bauer, especially when he hasn’t saved the world in two years.

6. UCLA
Yep, it’s Slick Rick, Norm Chow and Dwayne Washington, the three greatest coaches that ever lived, the saviors of Westwood, the end of the USC dynasty. Yep, it’s all of that. I need to stop listening to LA radio.

7. Arizona
Not going to do it – not this year. Picking Arizona to have a good season is like waiting for Kevin Costner to make another good movie. Whoops, I’m not supposed to say that about Oregon’s newest baseball fan. Seriously, if your leader is capable of getting a 15 yard penalty that proved costly in a two point loss to New Mexico, you might have a volatile, irritable, whiny, obnoxious, annoying, pouting, crying Stoops brother for a head coach.

8. Stanford
Three wins last year was the first real miracle we’ve seen since baby Jesus. That stunt they pulled at USC was unspeakable. I still don’t know much about them, can’t name a player other than Tavita Pritchard, and still have never met a Stanford football fan, but dammit, they are better than anything in the state of Washington.

9. Washington
I continue to be saddened by the demise of this program. I may be the only Duck fan to say that, but football was just more fun when they mattered. Saint Locker of the Seattleites is going to try his hardest to lead them back, but unfortunately, he still doesn’t know how to throw a football – truly unfortunate when he’s your quarterback.

10. Washington State
Alphabetically and for lack of talent, the Cougars come in last. There is literally nothing to be excited about with this team and I’m as sure that they will finish last as I am that you have no idea who Paul Wulff is.

Note: The FOTB makes her debut with picks sometime this week.