Almost forgot this week’s picks amidst a sickness that has taken hold and forced me into a semi-comatose state of  being where all I can do is lay still and watch football. Well, that, and the only game left that matters is on Thursday, so what’s the point?

And no mom, it’s not H1N1, so settle down. But, Chip, don’t think I’m not still winning the day.

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 49-19

Arizona @ Arizona State
I’m not sure what these two teams traditionally call their rivalry game but this year, let’s just go with the “Downer Derby.” ASU lost any hope of avoiding a losing season and still having bowl eligibility a week ago. Arizona rushed the field to celebrate their run for the roses,  but forgot all NCAA sanctioned games last 60 minutes before ending. Now, they trudge their depressed football corpses onto the field to salvage the next best thing – whatever that may be.

The Pick…Arizona

Washington State @ Washington
While it would be hilarious to watch the Cougars win the Crapple Cup again, I can’t see how this could happen. Even Washington should beat these guys by 20. And they probably will.

The Pick…Washington

UCLA @ USC
Ooh, the intrigue. Could the dynasty in L.A. officially be over as procalimed by the UCLA marketing department at the start of Rick Neuheisel’s tenure? I doubt it. In fact, I think people are making too much of the end of this dynasty. It’s still the same coach with the same caliber of players. Perhaps the Pac-10 has caught up, but that doesn’t mean USC won’t be right there again in 2010. As for the present day, I think it’ll be close, but the home field edge gives the game to the Trojans.

The Pick…USC

Notre Dame  @ Stanford
Call me a Pac-10 homer, but after seeing mark Ingram against Auburn, the nation’s best running back will be on display tonight against Notre Dame. Jim Harbaugh’s the kind of coach who will try and pad his guy’s numbers and I’ll bet we see Toby Gerhart surge to the front of the Heisman pack against the Irish’s porous defense.

The Pick…Stanford

Washington vs. Oregon enters into a new era this year with two new head coaches. Mike Bellotti won’t be coaching in the game for the first time since 1988. It’s the first time since 2003 that Washington has had a pulse. It seems to me that we need a rivalry refresher. As such, I sat the new guys down for a little Q&A session.

OTP: Coaches, thanks for being here. Fire away.

Steve Sarkisian: Thanks, Nick. First thing I have to say  is, from looking at results recently, you guys have owned us.
OTP: Is that a question?
Sarkisian: Not really. I mean, it’s pretty much a fact and I just thought I’d mention it.
OTP: Well, yes it is and thanks for the note, but I’m here to help you understand this rivalry, not repeat the fact that Oregon has owned Washington with five straight wins and an average margin of victory of just under 23 points, ok?

Sarkisian: Got it. Here’s a question, then. Who is this Rick Neuheisel I keep hearing about? Only thing I know about him is he told us at USC that our dynasty was over. Seemed absurd.
OTP: Now you’re talking. Nueheisel was essentially Washington’s answer to Oregon’s mid-90s dominance when they took 3 of 4 from the Huskies. Scared as hell that lowly Oregon was surpassing their program, they found a coach that could actually beat the Ducks. See, Neuheisel had defeated Oregon twice in bowl games while at Colorado. This included the 1996 Cotton Bowl where he pissed off Oregon with a fake punt in a game the Ducks were getting blown out. He was a natural fit for Washington.

Sarkisian: So how’d it go?
OTP: Haha, famously. Well, until it became a disaster. He went 2-1 against the Ducks and was pretty much hated south of the border. In other words, just what Washington wanted. There was no love between him and Mike Bellotti. He has a shady recruiter that was really good at bending the rules without actually breaking them. But then he did break them. And got fired. It was messy, but along the way he got Washington back to the Rose Bowl and to this date, is still the last Husky coach with a winning season.

Chip Kelly: Didn’t Oregon do something with Rick and a video board?
OTP: Someone’s been studying. In 2001, at the Civil War with Washington recruits in attendance, Oregon repeatedly played a clip of a woman vomiting juxtaposed against an image of Neuheisel. Frankly, I thought it was in good taste, but Oregon later apologized.

Sarkisian: That seems mean. Was it nasty when Neuheisel was around?
OTP: You could say that. There were absurd accusations that Bellotti was using the Huskies list to recruit players. Oregon safety Keith Lewis sparked some spirited trash talk in the media for a couple years. Washington even concluded a dominant win in Autzen Stadium by dancing at midfield on Oregon’s logo in 2002. By the time Neuheisel was fired in the offseason before the 2003 campaign, the rivalry may have been at its peak.

Kelly: I keep watching this highlight video before home games and they always end with the same play. They’re wearing this uniform I’ve never seen with a Duck that looks like Donald. What the heck happened?
OTP: Well, Chip, I’m glad you brought that up. In 1994…
Kelly: 1994! That’s when football started right?
OTP: Yes Chip. Now don’t interrupt me again. In 1994, Oregon came into the game against Washington with only three wins in the series dating back to 1974. The Huskies had gone to six Rose Bowls in that span and Oregon had only recently competed in a bowl game five years earlier for the first time since 1963. In other words, Oregon had been really bad, Washington really good. The Huskies came into Autzen Stadium highly ranked and again gunning for a Rose Bowl appearance. Late in the game, a guy named Damon Huard drove the Huskies on a late drive that was aiming to break the hearts of all Duck fans. Then, this happened.
Sarkisian: What’s “this?”
OTP: You just need to click the link when I post this, ok, Steve? To answer your question, Chip, that “replay” you see every Saturday is your program’s defining moment. It touched off a Rose Bowl run for the first time since 1957 and more importantly, it changed the course of Oregon football. For 15 years since, the Ducks have been a different program. They’ve won 10 of 14 in the series. It was, as you stated a moment ago, the birth of modern Oregon football.

Sarkisian: Did you guys really throw feces and urine at us?
OTP: Ah, Steve refers to the legend that Oregon fans hurled dog feces and urine at Washington players. I’ll tell you what. I’m just going to say it’s true, because I want you to feel frightened next year when you visit Autzen. But if you really believe that, don’t blame me for calling you dumb.

Sarkisian: Ok, I guess it didn’t happen. But I was wondering if you ever heard of this half national title Washington won in the 1991 season?
OTP: Whoever heard of half a title? What does that mean? Does it really even count? I mean, Washington cheated so much back then, it made Tonya Harding blush. Actually, that brings up another point. Washington’s dominant run was killed when it was discovered the Huskies had been rampantly cheating. They were put on probation and the program has never since sustained success like it did for those 20 or so years. This is something Oregon fans revel in.

Kelly: Cheaters, huh?
OTP: Yep, cheaters.

Kelly: Is this really a rivalry anymore? I’ve been here two years and it seems pretty boring.
OTP: Funny you should say that. Used to be, Husky fans wouldn’t acknowledge the rivalry. But for the recent lull, blame Tyrone Willingham. He was big on running a classy operation, but didn’t seem to care much about winning.

Sarkisian: I think I got a solution for that. Have you seen Nick Holt?
OTP: Very promising, coach. I like what you did, there. Frankly, and no offense to you, I thought the Huskies hired the wrong USC offensive coordinator. Lane Kiffin would have been way more fun. But you seem to possess a quality I could get annoyed with and Holt certainly will be easy to hate. Let’s just say I’m intrigued and hopeful.

Kelly: Hey, did you see what I did in the spring? I’m trying to kickstart this thing into gear.
OTP: Yeah, good work, Chip. We need more. Digs at Washington when there’s really no reason for it is completely acceptable in my book and, frankly, I want more if it.

Kelly: I’ll do my best. I’ll start it off with a win this weekend, ok?
Sarkisian: Hey, look out, we’re back!
OTP: No you’re not. Not yet, anyway.

The Pac-10 is messy. Very, very messy. Not even Bounty (you know the quilted quicker picker upper) could handle this filthy, disgusting mess. Fortunately, Oregon is bringing clarity to it all with its astounding dominance, but in an attempt to provide motivation through my overly important blogging, they have to settle for second.

1. USC (4-1, 2-1)
I made a decision to leave USC number one so long as they and Oregon remain with one loss each heading into the Halloween showdown. Coach Kelly, remember to collect this “chip” for your team’s shoulder ala Cougar head man Paul Wulff. You can thank me later for the inspiration.

2. Oregon (5-1, 3-0)
The Ducks are good and probably playing the best of anyone in the conference. But don’t forget Oregon, USC is still ranked ahead of you in every poll.

3. Oregon State (4-2, 2-1)
And just like that, with the simple flip of a calendar month, Oregon State is winning again. No one should be surprised at this point, but it gets me every year. An argument could still be made for Stanford, but their extra win against Washington State doesn’t really mean anything.

4. Stanford (4-2, 3-1)
Stanford, you let me down. I believed in you. Whatever that was you did at Oregon State, don’t do it again. You can still be a top four team.

5. Washington (3-2, 2-1)
Nothing about the Husky’s season surprises me including the ridiculous turn of events that led to them pulling a win out of a sure loss against Arizona. Let’s face it, October 24 is a spooky Halloween prelude for the Ducks.

6. Arizona (3-2, 1-1)
Typical Wildcats. You keep thinking they are finally living up to the paper victories on the recruiting trail and they always disappoint.

7. California (3-2, 0-2)
A bye week can be a wonderful thing in that other teams have an opportunity to display enough ineptitude to lift your own perception by default. In person, UCLA looked bad. On paper, so did ASU. So Cal, you get a bump.

8. UCLA (3-2, 0-2)
Rick Neuheisel, just as he did a year ago in a brutal home loss to Oregon State, took the mic after losing to Oregon and apologized to the home fans while imp0loring them to stick it out. I got over the Neuheisel hatred a long time ago, so I’m not sure I really care one way or the other about his current predicament. What I do know is that Oregon’s defense had a lot more to do with the Bruins ineptitude than L.A. folk are giving credit for.

9. Arizona State (3-2, 1-1)
The Sun Devils have a winning record which is about all the good you can afford to say on a day when they only managed a 13 point win against Washington State. Add that Georgia got clobbered by Tennessee and the close road loss to the Bulldogs doesn’t even seem that impressive.

10.Washington State (1-5, 0-4)
One the one hand, losing by only 13 at home could be considered a moral victory. On the other, the 27-14 score convinces me that the opponent, Arizona State, isn’t very good.

I just can’t put two weeks of football prognosticating together. I barely got above .500 thanks to some questionable refereeing at Notre Dame (and before Touchdown Jesus no less).

It’s a light week of competition with three teams resting easy.

Oregon @ UCLA
Finally, the Ducks are back on the road. Along with injury problems, it makes for a dicier game than originally anticipated. Still, the Bruins are still rebuilding the program under Rick Neuheisel and aren’t there yet (how did I let a whole week go by without addressing Neuheisel? Must be getting soft).

The Pick: Oregon

Arizona State @ Washington State
Paul Wulff is apparently all butt-hurt over Chip Kelly challenging Washington State’s only touchdown last weekend. He says he’s been collecting “chips” on his shoulder for the future. How quickly can that “chip” could make up for a 115-23 combined two year deficit?

The Pick: Arizona State

Stanford @ Oregon State

Beaver fans rejoice, I am picking against you. I’ve made the wrong pick for three straight weeks and for your sake, I hope the trend continues. Stanford, if it’s a legitimate threat to win the conference, should win this game. But something tells me they won’t. Nonetheless, as a gift to Beaver Nation, go Cardinal!

The Pick: Stanford

Arizona @ Washington
Well Huskies, you want to get rid of that consecutive losing seasons streak, right? If so, this is the kind of game you have to win. I think you will. Home is a lovely place and the Sark-fueled resurgence gets back to .500.

The Pick: Washington

Week 2 is in the books. Once again, I dug deep and chased down some sources for the added perspective.

1. USC (2-0)
Why: I promised they’d be on top with a win at Ohio State. No team has proven more than they have and for the rest of the season, they stay here until someone beats them. I’m not as sold on Matt Barkley as an easily impressed media, though. That final drive was Joe McKnight. Give credit to Barkley for not losing the game, but I don’t think USC’s offense is necessarily championship caliber until he gets more experience.
Every college football fan in this country: @&%#, I thought this was a down year!!

2. UCLA (2-0)
Why: My rankings are result-based from the season at hand. Cal has looked great, but they haven’t proven anything other than that they can beat bad teams. UCLA won on the road at Tennessee and I would think of all fans, Cal can see why that’s impressive.
Quarterback Kevin Craft: “Coach, can I go back in now? Kevin (Prince) is hurt. I swear I’ll only throw two picks if you let me play. Please? Coach Neuheisel: Yeeeeaaaah, no. No, definitely not.

3. Cal (2-0)
Why: The Maryland win has less of a shine after the Terrapins nearly lost to James Madison. Beating Eastern Washington means nothing. Basically, they haven’t proven anything yet, but that’s not their fault. In my eyes, they are a legitimate challenger to USC.
Offensive Coordinator Andy Ludwig: “We’re averaging 55.5 points a game. I think I’ve proven I’m good at my job.” Us: “Oregon scored 50 points one time in your three years. What you did to our offense was a crime. You should be behind bars.”

4. Oregon State (2-0)
Why: The Beavers need to send giant gift baskets to all interested parties in that 3rd and 26 play on their game-winning drive. Without the pass interference penalty, they are probably answering questions about why they can’t win non-conference road games (I guess that wasn’t really a reason why they are 4th. Oh well.).
UNLV DB Deante Purvis: “You’re welcome. Please send the check in care of my bookie.”

5. Arizona (2-0)
Why: Well, looks like that win against Central Michigan was fairly impressive now that we’ve seen the Chippewas beat Michigan State.
AP Poll Voters: “We’re paying attention. Win at Iowa and we’ll consider it. It’s just that we haven’t seen you in, like, 11 years, so you’ll just have to be patient.”

6. Oregon (1-1)
Why: That was a tough ten days. There’s still a lot to figure out with this team, but after the opener, any win is a good win.
Oregon Fans: “Uh, well, hmmm, I, uh, yeah.”

7. Stanford (1-1)
Why: Oh Stanford, what happened? You’re my sleeper team this year. I believe in you, but come on. You let one get away and you know it. And don’t give me the 9 am PST start time.  You lost that thing in the second half.
Coach Jim Harbaugh: “Would somebody please show me this clipping penalty? I haven’t been able to find it.”

8. Arizona State (1-0)
Why: They’ve played one game and beat an FCS opponent. They travel to Georgia in two weeks and unless someone above them does something awful, they’ll stay in the bottom three until then.
Louisiana-Monroe: “We’re someone. Didn’t you see our 58-0 win over Texas Southern?” Me: “No, did anyone?”

9. Washington
Why: Because they won! They won! Oh, yes, they won!
Washington Fans: “We’re back, baby! Woof!” The rest of us: “Calm down Rufus. You beat Idaho.”

10. Washington State
Why: Sorry Cougs. The Huskies finally won a game and you are bad. Really bad. Paul Wulff…not a good choice.
Washington State fans: “We know, Nick. It’s kind of obvious so could you just stop rubbing it in?”

I meant to do this last week, but I must have got knocked cold by a LeGarrette Blount right cross because my memory on Friday went bad and I forgot. Better late than never. I’m expecting 100% accuracy this season.

Stanford @ Wake Forest
I admit, I have a thing for Jim Harbaugh. He speaks his mind. He’s not one of those coaches that just sits there and spews talking points. So when he said the following in a post by Ted Miller, I smiled.

“If you’re playing a team from the opposite coast, let’s see if we can screw them on the time of kickoff,” he said. “If it’s a West Coast team playing on the East Coast, you play as early as possible and if it’s an East Coast team playing on the West Coast, you play as late as possible.”

He’s right, of course, and the smart pick is Wake Forest so that’s what I’m going with despite a strong inclination that the Cardinal might pull this one off.

The Pick: Wake Forest

Idaho @ Washington
You might ask why I’m smiling so much. My response would be (1) it’s kind of creepy that you know I’m smiling and (2) there is at least a possibility that Washington loses this game and sets a Pac-10 record for most consecutive losses. Is it going to happen? No, but it could and you have to have been pretty damn terrible to surpass a record that Oregon State set twice during 28 years of ineptitude.

The Pick: Washington (Congratulations! You’re all winners!)

UCLA @ Tennessee
Unfortunately for the Pac-10 this year, most of its key non-conference games are being played on the road. It could be a good conference with a bad draw. That’s how it goes. Slick Rick is still working on officially ending the dynasty in L.A. and hasn’t had time to figure out how to pull a win out at Rocky Top. This one could be ugly.

The Pick: Tennessee

E. Washington @ California
Now here’s a game you would find in the SEC. Top ten team meets Div. I FCS school. It’s one of those picks where I should have a handicap. I should have to guess the number of times Andy Ludwig calls for a screen pass on third and long to get any points for this pick. Actually, we already know the answer to that (hint: every damn time).

The Pick: California

Hawaii @ Washington State
Great, the Cougs buy out of next season’s game against Hawaii the very week they have to play the (Rainbow) Warriors. Why do you do anything that could remotely effect the attitude of the team you are playing, especially when it’s one of two games on the entire schedule you have any chance of winning? Bah, the Cougs can still handle this and get the Pac-10 above .500 against the WAC.

The Pick: Washington State

USC @ Ohio State
Last year, this was a no-brainer. This season, it still is but with just a hint of intrigue. After all, it’s in Columbus and features Terrelle (I really want to visit Oregon…no, seriously, I’m going to visit…just wait a little longer…I need to make this recruiting thing last a few more months…Surprise, I’m going to Ohio State) Pryor who should make it difficult for USC’s defense. Still, come on, it’s Ohio State in a game against a good team. Easy pick.

The Pick: USC

N. Arizona @ Arizona
They seem to play this game every year. Or maybe they alternate it with ASU. I don’t know. I don’t really care and I’m kind of annoyed I have to spend any time debating who will win this game. So I won’t.

The Pick: Arizona

Purdue @ Oregon
Either Oregon is in complete disarray and is about to slide into the worst season in program history or it’s completely fine. We’ll know more Saturday. The bet here, and it’s because I’m a total homer, is that Oregon will prove in a big way that they have a lot left to say about this season.

The Pick: Oregon

Oregon State @ UNLV
Fortunately, if things do go sour quickly for Oregon, we can always flip it over to this game instead and watch the Beavers execute their annual big early loss on the road (someone be sure to tell my Beaver family I’m kidding. I need money for my wedding next year).

The Pick: Oregon State

It’s the first Pac-10 rankings for 2009. For extra perspective on each team, Off The Pond has dug deep into its sources and secured real quotes from around the conference.

1. Cal
Why: Dismantled Maryland
The Cal fanbase says: “Oh my God, we KILLED Maryland. We’ll probably roll over USC and everyone else. Why aren’t we getting votes for #1? Jahvid Best is the Heisman Trophy. We’re sooo goooooood!!!”

2. USC
Why: For the moment, they have to yield to Cal. Win at Ohio State and the top spot is rightfully theirs.
USC fans retort to Cal: “Hahahahahaha. Hahaha. Ha. Haha.”

3. Stanford
Why: They beat a glorified Pac-10 team while nobody else won a game that even remotely mattered.
Stanford fans: “We played a football game on Saturday?”

4. Arizona
Why: Week 1 competition in the Pac-10 was mostly terrible. Central Michigan was at least respectable and holding a team with a quality quarterback to six points is impressive.
Coach Mike Stoops: “Well, I thought when I ran 50 yards onto the field to yell at the ref, it was a real turning point. Our guys really responded.”

5. UCLA
Why: The rest of the teams either beat an FCS team or didn’t win, so it’s only by default for now.
L.A. Times Columnist TJ Simers: “Rick Neuheisel is a lying liar who lies. He told me they beat SDSU, but I don’t believe him.”

6. Oregon State:
Why: They get a penalty for playing Portland State, but deserve a bump for being better than ASU.
Moral, Righteous and Sanctimonious Oregon State fans: “Oregon is so classless and Blount is such a thug and Chip Kelly is a born loser. I’m sooo happy!”

7. Arizona State
Why: The last of the Pac-10 winners in week 1, but over lowly Idaho State.
Everyone: “We’ll check in at the end of September when your season actually starts.”

8. Oregon
Why: Worst played game this decade by the Ducks.
New coach Chip Kelly: “Why are those headlights so bright? I feel stuck. I can’t move! Will someone turn off those damn headlights?!?”

9. WSU
Why: They’re terrible.
Conversation between two Duck fans: Fan 1: “When do we play Washington State?” Fan 2: “Why?” Fan 1: “I want to know when we’ll get our first win.” Fan 2: “Oh, looks like Oct. 3.”

10. Washington
Why: Uh, they’re on the verge of a Pac-10 football record for most consecutive losses. Until that gets fixed, they’re #10.
Savior of Husky football coach Steve Sarkisian: “We try really hard now! We only lost by eight at home to such a powerful program. We feel really good about us. This is U-Dub football!

Welcome Pac-10 newcomers Steve Sarkisian and Chip Kelly. You are the new representatives at this award ceremony for 2009. We hope you are honored to have such a prestigious award in your name.

The Dennis Erickson Award for “What, I’m Still in the Same Place? Why?”
…And the Winner Is: Taylor Mays, USC Safety. It’s shocking that he came back. Everyone assumed he would enter the NFL draft as a surefire first round pick. Instead, he’s at USC for his senior year and figures to anchor a raw, but talented USC defense.

The Chip Kelly Award for “I’m Destined For Greatness, So Why is Everyone a Little Unsure?”
…And the winner is: Whichever quarterback starts for USC in its opening game. Two Trojan quarterbacks have won Heisman Trophies under Pete Carroll and every time they break in someone new, the doubters quickly subside. Still, until Aaron Corp or Matt Barkley prove it, it’s all guesswork.

The Pete Carroll Award for “How Many Times Do I Have to Say It? This is Where I Want To Be”
…And the winner is: Markus Wheaton, OSU WR. Yep, Wheaton is a Beaver. Duck fans probably still can’t believe the cousin of Kenny Wheaton would do such a thing. We’re still waiting to hear it was a joke. The Ducks now just have to hope Oregon State doesn’t get a program-defining moment from Kenny’s cousin.

The Steve Sarkisian Award for “We’re Going to Be Awesome Because I Said So”
…And the winner is: The Arizona Wildcats. Anyone else feel like Mike Stoops’ bunch has been the next coming of greatness in the conference for the last five years? All they have is a 6-6 regular season and a Las Vegas Bowl trophy to show for it. Sure, the honor could have been given to Washington, but it was ineligible to win its coach’s own award.

The Paul Wulff Award for “Hi, We’re Still Up Here. Hey, over here! Watch for us, We’re Going to Be Better. Ah, Screw It, We’re Terrible.”
…And the Winner Is: Kevin Prince, UCLA QB. Okay, that’s not fair to the redshirt freshman Prince and “terrible” is too strong of a word, but the point is that even though UCLA is moving on from a disastrous year at the quarterback position, they undoubtedly have more growing pains ahead.

The Mike Stoops Award for “I’m a Star. No, Really, Ignore the Mediocrity Because I’m a Star!”
…And the Winner Is: Jake Locker. Sorry, Saint Locker of the Seattleites. It’s not that I want to give you this award, it’s just that you’ve never done anything to justify all the hype your fans are heaping on you. Feel free to prove us wrong.

The Rick Neuheisel Award for “We’re Coming For You No Matter How Ridiculous That Sounds”
…And the Winner Is: The Stanford Cardinal. Believe it or not, Stanford might be good this year. It’s even possible they creep into the top four teams in the conference. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Cardinal make a leap to a bowl game for this first time since 2001.

The Mike Riley Award for “What Else Do We Have to Do to Prove We’re Good?”
…And the Winner Is: The whole gosh-darned (tribute to Riley-speak) Pac-10. A 5-0 bowl record in 2008 and stellar records this decade against fellow BCS teams just isn’t enough. Distribution of your product to the masses matters and the Pac-10 is lacking a national audience. Just keep on winning, I guess.

The Jeff Tedford Award for “How Did We Go From Underdog to Overrated?”
…And the Winner Is: Jeremiah Masoli. As a fan of the Duck’s quarterback, it hurts to put him here, but it’s a natural fit. Masoli still has a lot to prove as his hype is riding on the back of a three game stretch to end 2008. He’ll need to put together a full season of strong play.

The Jim Harbaugh Award for “We’re Borderline Geniuses and Oh, Yeah, We Can Play Too”
…And the Winner Is: Mike Nixon, ASU LB. Let’s see, Nixon carries a 4.05 GPA in Political Science and was an Honorable Mention All-Conference player in 2008. And this year, he’s tabbed as a preseason first team player by many. Yeah, he kind of owns this category.

View past Coach’s Awards: 2008

I haven’t missed her, but I know you did, so let’s welcome back the newly-named FOTB (WOTB still a work in progress). Stepping out of the normal Thursday night routine, we sat down and watched some Pac-10 dominance of the SEC (hey, OT wins are dominance when the winning team is without 96.3% of its starting lineup). Pretty much what follows is useless and a complete dressing down of my entire being, so enjoy.

FOTB: If Tennessee loses, we jump a spot, right?
OTP: What are they ranked?
FOTB: 18th. How do you not know that? You used to know stuff.
OTP: I know stuff.
FOTB: Not like you used to. In college, you knew everything.
OTP: I never knew the entire top 25 and the exact ranking of every team.
FOTB: Yes you did.
OTP: There’s no way.
FOTB: Look, the 18 has been next to their name the entire game. How could you not know that?
OTP: I just wasn’t paying attention to it.

FOTB: I think you need to do football camp training before the season starts.
OTP: That’s BS. I know plenty of stuff. I just didn’t know one team’s ranking.
FOTB: You don’t know anything.
OTP: I know plenty.

(We’ve tried doing an FOTB a couple times now and had some previous discussions that went nowhere)

FOTB: Earlier, you didn’t know if refs went to training camp.
OTP: I’m sure they have some sort of preseason training.
FOTB: But you didn’t know.
OTP: I know a lot of stuff, your questions are just ridiculous.
FOTB: I’ll ask you another and you won’t answer it.
OTP: What?
FOTB: I don’t have one yet.

(After a long pause, the blimp shot shows the Rose Bowl from above)

FOTB: What does our end zone say?
OTP: Pause…Oregon…pause…yeah, Oregon on both ends.
FOTB: hahaha.
OTP: I answered.
FOTB: Yeah, but you paused.
OTP: Only to make sure I got it right so you’d shut up.
FOTB: You should just know.
OTP: I did.

OTP: Whatever, we keep trying to do this blog and you’ve never given me any predictions or anything else.
FOTB: I told you our kicker was bad and needs to shave his porn ’stache. That was my analysis.

(Back to the game)

FOTB: What’s their mascot? I know it’s the Volunteers but what is the mascot?
OTP: I think it’s a hound dog or something like that. Actually, I really don’t know.
FOTB:Of course not, why would I ask you?

OTP: I thought I asked the questions for this.
FOTB: Hey, I just watch the game and have questions,
OTP: I’ll tell you what, Thursday night, you ask the questions, I’ll answer everything. You just prepare some questions.
FOTB: No, if I prepare, you’ll never get anything right. I’ll find the most obscure facts.
OTP: I’ll bring my A game.
FOTB: You have no A game.
OTP: It’s on.

Epilogue…about an hour later as I write this
OTP: Ooohho!! What is that motherf—–? (Yeah, that’s what I really said). http://smokeys-trail.com/TN/traditions.html

As I show my screen…

OTP: That’s a hound dog. I know my shit!
FOTB: (Smiles). You don’t know jack (she’s too busy watching One Tree Hill to care at this point).

Because pre-season awards are every bit as important as pre-season rankings, it’s time to unveil my 1st Annual Pre-Season Coaches Awards, each named in honor of a Pac-10 coach.

The Dennis Erickson Award for “It’s Been Fun, But it’s Time to Move On”
…And the Winner Is: Taylor Mays, USC Safety. An overwhelming consensus first-round pick by every useless mock draft the internet has to offer, the junior is a season away from becoming an early entrant to the 2009 NFL Draft.

The Mike Bellotti Award for “If the Game Was Only 61 Minutes Long, I Would Have Won”
…And the winner is: Kevin Riley, Cal Quarterback. Some advice for you this year, Kevin: spike the ball, call a timeout, or run out of bounds.

The Pete Carroll Award for “I Don’t Care If You’re Good, I Just Don’t Like You”
…And the winner is: Rudy Carpenter, Arizona State Quarterback. I don’t feel like I should have to explain this. Actually, I’m not even sure if I can. I just don’t like him.

The Tyrone Willingham Award for “I Looked A Lot Better When I First Got Onto Campus”
…And the winner is: Ben Olson, UCLA Quarterback. He’s injured. Again. As a former “5-Star Recruit,” big things were expected and yet, it never happened.

The Paul Wulff Award for “Player You’ve Never Heard of and Probably Never Will”
…And the Winner Is: Jeff Bowen, Washington State Offensive Lineman. The criteria here was to find a guy on the consensus 10th place team that is a senior and listed 4th on the depth chart at his position. Hopefully, Jeff Bowen Googles his name someday and finds out about this prestigious award. Also, given that he is 100 lbs heavier than me at the same height, I would appreciate it if he has a sense of humor.

The Mike Stoops Award for “Biggest Douchebag”
…And the Winner Is: Mike Stoops, Arizona Head Coach. Congratulations, you just won your own award. I’d say the voting is rigged, but I think we can all agree, you earned it coach.

The Rick Neuheisel Award for “Player Most Likely to Get Penalized”
…And the Winner Is: Jeremy Perry, Oregon State Guard. He wins for two reasons: (1) He’s an offensive lineman and those guys hold on every play and (2) He’s quoted on ESPN.com saying, “I’m nasty, even if the whistle blows, I guarantee I’ll get the last shove.”

The Mike Riley Award for “The First Month Doesn’t Really Matter Anyway”
…And the Winner Is: Tie between Jake Locker (UW Quarterback) and Mark Sanchez (USC Quarterback). Both players have suffered injuries that could cause early season issues for their respective teams if they don’t come back healthy.

The Jeff Tedford Award for “Yeah, He Was Great When I Coached Him, But What About Now?”
…And the Winner Is: No, not Joey Harrington, Trent Dilfer, Kyle Boller, Akili Smith, AJ Feeley or Aaron Rodgers. The winner is Mitch Mustain, USC Quarterback. The hype is there for the heralded transfer from Arkansas. Will he deliver, especially if Mark Sanchez can’t go?

The Jim Harbaugh Award for “I Probably Shouldn’t Have Said That, But I’ll Go Ahead and Back It Up Anyway”
…And the Winner Is: Carson Palmer, former USC and current Cincinnati Bengals Quarterback. All’s quiet among current players so far in 2008 so we turn to Palmer’s ill-advised diatribe against Ohio State. Sure, he’s right and his alma mater will back him up, but that doesn’t endear you to your current Ohio fan base.