The Jeff Tedford award for “We would never ask anyone on our team to fake something! Oh that, well, I didn’t know. Talk to my assistant.”

And the winner is: Whoever is responsible at Oregon for releasing documents provided by Willie Lyles that were, uh, thoroughly researched and totally worth the money. They paid me to say that. Stacks and stacks of money. On a company check no less.

The Dennis Erickson award for “Remember the early 90s? Remember that? Those were good times”

And the winner is: The Washington Huskies, because it’s never too early in a season to throw your first jab.

The David Shaw award for “All I need to be a good coach is a little Luck. Yeah, see what I did there?”

And the winner is: Headline writers and copy editors everywhere. We get it. The last name of the Heisman-contending quarterback at Stanford is Luck and it’s a most versatile word indeed.

The Mike Stoops award for “This is the year. I just know it!”

And the winner is: Cal Bears fans who are sure they’ve performed the proper rituals to rid themselves of the curse of Rilayooshore and are hyped on Buffalo transfer Zach Maynard to finally deliver the team a consistent season at quarterback.

The Rick Neuheisel award for “It’ll all be better if we just hire an alum to run our program”

And the winner is: Jon Embree, new head coach of the Colorado Buffaloes. Good luck to you, sir. These types of hires always work out. Note to Mr. Embree: That was really a shot at Neuheisel because, well, he’ll always deserve it.

The Jon Embree award for “This blog doesn’t know the first thing about this guy so let’s just give the award to a random dude”

And the winner is: Michael Kirby, Utah defensive back. Have you heard of him? I didn’t think so.

The Chip Kelly award for “We’re damn good. We’ll smoke ‘em all”

And the winner is: Well, duh. Cliff Harris, the Oregon cornerback who relied upon the ol’ “we smoked all the weed” defense when pulled over by Oregon state police in June.

The Steve Sarkisian award for “While you might think it’s still questionable, we’re back!”

And the winner is: James Rodgers, Oregon State wide receiver. It looks like the Beaver standout receiver is going to make it back from the gruesome knee injury suffered early on in the 2010 season. But still, we’re going to need to see some proof.

The Kyle Wittingham award for “We’re good enough, we’re smart enough and gosh darnit, people are gonna like us”

And the winner is: Aaron Pflugrad, Arizona State wide receiver, mostly because I still can’t believe that guy is a starting wide receiver in the Pac-12, and a good one at that.

The Mike Riley award for “I’ve been here a long time and I’ll probably never leave”

And the winner is: Senior Chris Owusu, Stanford wide receiver. Maybe it’s just me but I’m fairly certain he enrolled in 2002.

The Paul Wulff award for “Yeah, this looks better, but is it really going to be any different?”

And the winner is: UCLA freshman quarterback Brett Hundley, the highly-touted savior of Rick Neuheisel’s uninspired group of quarterbacks, who ended up having knee surgery and postponing his inevitable ascension to starter status.

The Lane Kiffin award for “See, no major violation, I’m totally clean”

And the winner is: Nobody. They’re all guilty, rotten-to-the-core human beings who’s only real talent is the ability to stick a hand out and expect giant stacks of gold bricks to magically appear. Either that or hookers, but regardless, everyone’s a dirty cheater.

This award is sponsored by Sports by Brooks. When you want only the best in rumor-mongering and half-baked truths, choose SbB!

• otp rating (Google Search in Zagreb)

OTP was recently rated a “Best Bang For Your Buck” among sports blogs devoted to public institutions.

• vote for the duck (Google Search in Keizer, OR)

This is what I’ve been saying all along! Thank you. Now go vote! He’s winning again, but we cannot lose this.

• unrich (AOL Search in New York, NY)

I hardly think you need to rub that in. Click an ad you snob.

• is mike stoops a jerk (Ask Search in Palm Desert, CA)

Does a bear shit in the woods? Hey-oh! He’s probably not a jerk. But watching him on the sidelines doesn’t exactly argue otherwise. Are you not entertained, though? We’re all better for it.

• washington state cougar football wheel of fortune (Google Search in Seattle, WA)

• jes side by side pictures (Google Search in St. Paul, MN)

Hey, that’s my wife you’re talking about! WOTB may say some crazy things, but she is not for your viewing pleasure, you sicko.

• websites dedicated to hating huskies (Google Search in Pullman, WA)

Who’s got a dot net domain and hates the Huskies? THIS GUY.

• i’d rather get my o from a beaver than a duck (Google Search in Portland, OR)

Well, uh, haha, um, hmmm. You know, I’m very uncomfortable right now and I’m blushing like crazy.

• matt barkley virgin until marriage (Google Search in Camarillo, CA)

Whew, is it hot in here or is it me? Talk to Portland up above. He can probably give you some pointers.

• have the mythbusters come to oregon (Google Search in Turner, OR)

Absolutely. Before this year, everyone thought Oregon State was some kind of Rose Bowl contender. They pretty much had it figured out after one game, but just to be sure, ran the study on all 11. Results were pretty conclusive. MYTH!

• i’m so sad boise state lost (Google Search in Meredian, ID)

This actually seems sad. Think about it for a moment. This person went onto Google and typed their sadness into the search engine. And for what? The first result is my post tearing apart that student newspaper sports editor. Now I just feel like a jerk.

• anti duck football (Google Search in Portland, OR)

What’s your problem bro’? You got a problem? Ain’t no problem, here. We can do somethin’ about it. Wanna’ step outside? Let’s go bro’. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Anti Duck football, my ass.

• gameday sign ideas for oregon at oregon state (Google Search in Seattle, WA)

I’m looking forward to this during GameDay tomorrow. I didn’t come up with any this time around. Off the top of my head, it’s weak, but here:

Enjoy
Spending holidays
Playing
Nowhere

• developing offensive game plan (Google Search in Kennewick, WA)

Hey, look everyone! Rick Neuheisel’s using Google. I always took him for an AOL guy myself.

• chip kelly actual play call (Google Search in Wichita, KS)

Oh hi Chris Harper. Not enjoying your offensive role at Kansas State?

• contenders for alamo bowl (Google Search in Marion, WI)

This is gonna’ hurt you. Leader in the clubhouse is Washington so long as they win on Saturday. Oregon State’s in the mix, too, though I think we all know that’s about as likely as Corso donning the Beaver headgear.

• anti oregon state beaver pics (Google Search in Portland, OR)

Don’t remember where I originally saw this so I can’t credit appropriately, but this was a good one from a few years back.

• oregon duck hugging oregon state beaver (Google Search in Portland, OR)

Ah, see we can be Civil. Except, I couldn’t actually find a picture of a Duck and Beaver hugging. Maybe there is no love, after all.

Whoa, this SearchBag is so ginormous, I had to use a made-up word to describe it. I left out as much as I put in. Don’t you go skimming the words just because it’s longer, ya’ hear? SearchBag demands your full attention!

• chip kelly wedding pictures, chip kelly wedding photo, chip kelly wedding (Google Searches in Eugene, OR, Los Angeles, CA and Portland OR)

What’s with all the wedding searches? Did I miss something? What is Chip doing during the improvement week? Did he leave town and get hitched?

• chip kelly in seattle (Google Search in Eugene, OR)

For a wedding? That’s ridiculous. No one gets married in Seattle*. They go to Reno or Las Vegas. Seattle? There had to be some other purpose.

*Yes, brother that is getting married in Seattle, that line was for you.

• will chip kelly go pro (Google Search in Eugene, OR)

WHA WHA WHAT? Is that what he went to Seattle for? We are in the middle of winning a national title here, dammit! I don’t have time for this.

• what time should you arrive autzen (Google Search in Waukesha, WI)

Oh what? #shotsfired

You can’t be too early. I once showed up at 2 am for College GameDay in 2000. We were the first ones there, standing in the darkness. Yeah, you heard right Green Boy. We beat you there. Oh, don’t think we didn’t see you on the news claiming you were first. Lies! Just ask Vicki who had to be woken up to come perform security. Oh, the truth hurts!

And while I’m on the subject of fans with personas, wearing a barrel doesn’t mean you get to show up late and plow your way to the front. Egregious!

*Ah, 10 years of pent up anger pours its way onto the blog. Now, I can live.

• reason for the forward pass (Bing Search in Springfield, MO)

Uh, did you not watch last night’s Washington vs. UCLA game? The Huskies passed for 68 yards and the only reason that wasn’t pathetic is because the Bruins totaled 55 yards. They invented the forward pass so we wouldn’t be subjected to that ever again. The system failed us miserably yesterday.

• six facts about teams (Google Search in Los Angeles, CA)

(1) They are great.
(2) They are terrible.
(3) They cheat.
(4) They have a cheater.
(5) They cheated.
(6) They are overrated.

Totally expecting rational responses if any of those team’s fans ever find this blog.

• “otp community” meaning (Google Search in Washington, DC)

DC? Oh crap, I caught the attention of the politicians. What did I do? Listen, the OTP Community thing is just a work in progress, a development sandbox if you will. I’m sorry it’s not very good yet. There’s not gonna’ be a congressional hearing, is there? Is it really a crime that I’m trying to have people hang out and participate? Just tell the government to back off.

• what color to wear to future oregon ducks games? (Google Search in Grants Pass, OR)

Apparently, THE MAN says you have to alternate colors this time. Yellow, then black, then yellow, then black.

NO, NO, NO, NO. You stand up good sir and tell them no.

This color scheming stuff is utter nonsense. It’s unOregon and I won’t have it.

• what’s wrong with the oregon ducks after the bears game (Bing Search in Longview, WA)

OMG EVERYTHING! The coaching, the offensive line, the defense, the quarterback, the running game, the training staff, the practices. Yeah, man, it’s everything. I’d start watching basketball if I was you.

• oregon basketball court ttatt (Google Search in Willmar, MN)

That search is all the proof I need to request a redo on the Matthew Knight logo. It’s thoughtful, it’s meaningful but it just doesn’t work.

• unrequited google searches (Google Search in Flourtown, PA)

If I understand right, you want Google to search me back, but it doesn’t know? This is fascinating. What would a billion dollar empire search for on a niche college football blog? Hold on, I need to eat these mushrooms I just picked before going any further.

Whoa, dude. Trippy.

Google totally just searched me. It wrote “we are stanford fans you suck.”

My alogorithm just returned:
You searched for we are stanford fans you suck
Did you mean oregon beat stanford’s ass 52-31

*SearchBag totally just resulted in trash talking to Stanford. Only here.

• duck football analysis (Google Search in Reno, NV)

LOL! No, really, that’s a real LOL and not an overuse of a lame acronym. You actually found this blog with that search term? Wow. Here, I’ll treat you. Don’t get too excited, this is a special occasion.

The Oregon offense struggled against Cal, but don’t sweat it. Plays were there to be made but execution was lacking. And if you’re worried about some kind of blueprint, don’t be. If anything, Chip has some tape to look at to prepare a counter for future opponents that employ a similar strategy.

Whew, what happened? I blacked out.

Readers: “Wait, you call that analysis? Wow, hope you didn’t drown yourself skimming along the surface. You should really charge for that. No, really, go ahead and offer a subscription service. We’d love to pay for that.”

• head hurting ever week (Google Search in Fulton, MS)

Well, Mississippi, Jeremiah Masoli isn’t our problem anymore. Try some Tylenol or just gut it out for a couple more games.

• Stanford fansites (Bing Search in Anaheim, CA)

The fact you ended up on this site tells me the pickings were slim.

*Picking on Stanford again? Harsh.

• please let the oregon ducks play at san diego state (Google Search in Eugene, OR)

Oh, I’m on to you Eugene. I know who you are. You know who you are. I’m all for the idea, but just so you know, I know.

• i dont know there is a cam there!! (Google Search in Sana)

Forgive our foreign searcher’s broken English. He refers to the hilarious new SEC-produced comedy called I Didn’t Know There Was a Cam There!! Compliance officials have placed hidden cameras all over the south and then spring the surprise on unsuspecting rules violators.

Tune in next week for the Auburn edition of I Didn’t Know There Was a Cam There!!

• chip kelly all access (Google Search in Jackson, MS)

Does he genuinely answer a question for somebody? I’ll need video proof or it didn’t happen.

• jeff maehl fake injuries (Google Search in San Leandro, CA)

Where do you people come up with some of these searches? You know what, I’ll let it pass because that’s an improvement over the last Jeff Maehl search. You know, the nude one.

• don james, jim lambright and rick neuheisel (Google Search in Salem, OR)

I know Huskies. It’s really been that long and it’s not getting any better. But you saw for yourself what Neuheisel’s up to. You don’t really want that back, do you?

• thechickenandtheegg.net (Google Search in Everett, WA)

You’re in luck! GoDaddy says it’s available. But forget .com. I personally know the pain of someone else owning the domain you really want and doing absolutely nothing with it and never responding to your inquiries about its availability and being stuck with crappy .net and …and…I want .com dammit!*

*Oh great, the price just went up. Should have kept that to myself for bargaining power.

• good facts about oregon (Google Search in Berlin, CT)

If you want to use the word “good,” search for facts about Stanford. You want Oregon facts, try “great” or “amazing.”

*Three slams on Stanford in one post?!? Consider this decade’s quota met.

• runitback games (Google Search in Passaic, NJ)

Those are all different types of games Oregon’s opponents play to try and stop a Cliff Harris punt return. Fun, but kinda’ futile.

• cliff harris by exile (Google Search in Beaverton, OR)

Yes, that’s one of the runitback games they play. Exile is one of the more complicated methods of stopping him. It never works.

• “is off the pond faking injuries?”, “is off the pond married”, “off the pond is a jerk”, “how awesome is off the pond wife”, “who is offthepond” (Google Search in San Jose, CA)
  

Uh, did some people I hung out with last weekend for the Cal game get a little carried away trying to game the SearchBag? Yes.

After that marathon of searches, the blog is just plain tired. You can follow Off The Pond on Twitter, but it might be napping. See you next week for a Black Friday game day edition of SearchBag. Until then, Happy Turkey Day!

1. Oregon Ducks. Is there a law of diminishing returns that can be applied to the Oregon offense? At some point, you just can’t achieve anymore yards and points, right?

2. Stanford Cardinal. Many have said the Pac-10 might have the best conference top to bottom. But do they really believe it? There are six one-loss teams ahead of Stanford in the BCS standings. That’s not right.

3. Arizona Wildcats. The same can be said of Arizona who even has a win over Iowa but only recently jumped the Hawkeyes. The winner of Stanford-Arizona this weekend should make a big jump.

4. Oregon State Beavers. You can project the Beavers to enter its final two games against Stanford and Oregon on a four game winning streak sitting at 6-1 in the Pac-10 and ranked in the top 15-20. The seemingly impossible resurrection is again in progress.

5. USC Trojans. You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little school like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I’m going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!

6. Cal Bears. This is the worst type of team to follow as a fan. With Washington State, they’re bad enough that you get used to living without them. With Oregon, they’re good enough to always leave you happy. But Cal… good enough to piss you off that they’re not always that good.

7. Arizona State Sun Devils. And I thought Washington State could beat the Sun Devils. Glad to know ASU is still going to fight for bowl eligibility.

8. UCLA Bruins. It’s surprising that Arizona didn’t just torch what was left of the UCLA corpse Oregon delivered the Wildcats. In that respect, one can see Rick Neuheisel still has control of the team, still has something moving forward. I know it ain’t much, but like ASU, just take the positive where you can find it.

9. Washington Huskies. Roll over. Ok, now sit. Lay down. Play dead. Hello? Washington? You can get up now. You want your treat? Ah hell, the Dawg’s dead.

10. Washington State Cougars. Thanks Cougs. I put myself out there for you. I put a stellar record on the line in your name. My fault? Yeah, probably so, but someone believed in you! Never again.

Image courtesy of http://www.marktoon.co.uk/people.htm (with an obvious personal alteration).

Just give it time. She'll come around.

1. Oregon Ducks. Chip says pressure is something you feel when you don’t prepare. Coach, I’m reading the hell out of the internet for this USC game and I’m still feeling the pressure. What else can I do?!?

2. Stanford Cardinal. The Cardinal are the latest team to feel the almost-wrath of Washington State. A big game with Arizona looms in two weeks.

In other news, Jim Harbaugh and Andrew Luck should do great with the San Francisco 49ers next year.

3. Arizona Wildcats. Saturday night was a treat to viewers. Coach Mike Stoops and brother Bob simultaneously on my TV? Yes! Bob had plenty to scream about. Mike’s team, on the other hand, played Washington.

4. USC Trojans. USC made use of a bye week by mimicking the time and way Oregon practices. I like the move and for that alone, keep them ranked fourth. Well, that and no one else deserves it.

5. Oregon State Beavers. It’s no time to panic. The next three are all games they should win. As usual, it’s best to reserve judgment for a later date.

6. Cal Bears. Seriously?!? Come on, Cal. Home and away should not mean 60+ point swings. How can you hold a scoring advantage of 189-34 at home but a deficit of 110-54 on the road? It’s senseless. I don’t know why I’m so worked up about it. Perhaps I just don’t like having to feel nervous about Oregon playing at Cal.

7. Washington Huskies. Er, uh, eek! With Stanford and Oregon left, the schedule virtually guarantees six losses. Can they sweep the final three winnable games to end the losing season streak? Not looking good.

8. Arizona State Sun Devils. Mike Bellotti is starting to circle around the wounded animal that is Dennis Erickson. This conference is full of wild changes from week-to-week so I’m not calling it yet, but have the Sun Devils given up? We’ll see.

9. UCLA Bruins. Whoa, Bellotti’s everywhere. He’s circling Rick Neuheisel, too. It’s really just a matter of time with both embattled coaches. Just depends on which one Bellotti finds tastier.

10. Washington State Cougars. I’m pretty much rooting for these guys every week now. How can you not? They’re playing hard and not getting blown out by anybody. They have played Oregon, Stanford, USC and Arizona. Outside of USC, there hasn’t been a bad performance in those games. With the bottom half of the conference left, there’s a win left on the schedule. I just know it.

Image courtesy of http://www.marktoon.co.uk/people.htm (with an obvious personal alteration).

1. Sshhh! Be quiet, you! Our quarterback’s trying to concentrate. Far be it for me to criticize giant men who could pound me into the ground like a fence post, but, well, the offensive line has been a little shaky. Not Thursday. The big uglies basically a hung a do no disturb sign on Darron Thomas and let him throw to whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. And the running game was pretty slick, too, despite the Bruins having geared up to stop it. Bravo,offensive line. More of that, please.

2. Hospitality is for suckers. It’s hard to imagine Oregon losing to anyone at home for the foreseeable future. They are in another world. At Autzen, the Ducks are outscoring opponents 63.3-11 and outgaining them 649-262.8. All of which, of course, makes Thursday’s performance subpar.

3. Next time I’m drinkin’ all this lemonade wit’ Remene Alston, I’ll tell him that his running was awesome. I’m not going to profess to know what it’s like to be in Remene Alston’s shoes. After all, my UO participation consists of beer, TV and a laptop (not sure which order). But it would seem a difficult task to bring it every day for five years and never get too deep into the playing rotation. It’s with that said that I’m happy to see him get to make a significant contribution in a Pac-10 game. 75 yards on eight carries with three touchdowns is the epitome of efficiency.

4. Always appreciate a wife that focuses on line play. The mark of a true football aficionado is when someone simply watches what goes on in the trenches without care for result of the play. So it was with great shock when WOTB yelled about a holding penalty that didn’t get called and I’ll be damned if I didn’t agree with her…after I got to see a replay and have her point it out for me. Who are you and what did you do with this person.

5. LaMichael James blew out both knees, broke an ankle and suffered a concussion on one play. I was sure of it. Turns out, he just got the wind knocked out of him.

(Currently on knees looking skyward mouthing “thank you”).

6. Oregon’s receiving corp can catch! Granted, this is a fundamental skill for receivers, but they do it so well. Darron Thomas wasn’t necessarily deadly accurate. He threw a few balls behind or in front of guys that forced receivers to make adjustments. Josh Huff, David Paulson, Jeff Maehl and LaMichael James all helped make Thomas look good. Perhaps this is nothing and they just did their job, but it did seem to be a superlative effort from receivers who are supposedly average (in the way anything on Oregon’s offense can be average).

7. When College GameDay rolls out it’s R. Lee Ermey footage on Saturday with him yelling “What were Yooouuuuu Thinking?!?” Rick Neuheisel will answer as follows: “What was I thinking? Going for a field goal down 15-0? And then doing it again down 39-3? What was I thinking!

I’m so proud of the searches this week. I called you* out a week ago and you* just flat delivered a monster SearchBag.

* “You” of course being something I’ve made up in my head to convince myself people are actively trying to contribute to this feature.

• mike bellotti bias beavers (Google Search in Portland, OR)

Tough draw on the announcers last Saturday. Bellotti (Duck) and Huard (Husky) isn’t exactly Steve Preece is it? But I’m sure it’s just a bad case of unrequited love. Bellotti adores you. Someday, your heart will let you know.

• im the cheese on top of the nachos (Google Search in Portland, OR)

No you’re not. That’s Cliff Harris and there can only be one “Kash.” Seriously, only one. No one else spells it with a ‘k’. That’s just retarded.

• where do you sit if your a visitor at autzen stadium (Google Search in Richland, WA)

Section 9, the lower the better. You’re from Richland? Load up on Husky* gear and wear it proud. Try and bring an attitude, too. Helps if you’ve been drinking.

Remember that, it’s section 9.

*As a commenter pointed out, I’ve lost all sense of my NW direction. Someone please find me a Husky fan in the greater Richland area so this makes sense.

• what is “bad about stanford” (Google Search in Claremont, CA)

Who ever had anything bad to say about Stanford? Maybe California Golden Blogs, but that’s not exactly a neutral party. Frankly, I got nothing. Where else can you get wine and cheese at a tailgate? I guess I just accidentally fell into something bad about Stanford. Try some red meat, guys.

• don james vs mike bellotti (Google Search in Tacoma, WA)

Technically, the two never faced each other as head coaches. James was 4-0 against Oregon while Bellotti served as offensive coordinator.

That’s it. That’s all I have on the subject. See, SearchBag can straight up inform your ass. Completely and totally versatile.

• nick ducks design website (Google Search in North Andover, MA)

Nick Ducks is the name I use to make hotel reservations. Starting now. Aside from that…IT’S A SHAMELESS PROMOTIONAL OPPORTUNITY!

Nick Ducks will design your website. You just have to contact him. http://www.nimaha.com.

You, Google searcher in North Andover, are a blog favorite. Admittedly, business has been slow for me in NE Massachusetts.

• bars with 3d tv in portland, or (Google Search in McNeil, TX)

I wish I could tell you. I Googled and Googled and Googled…came up with nothing. Does anyone even own a 3-D TV? 60-13 looked pretty good in HD, though.

• boise state football+screwed (Google Search in Cary, NC)

Totally. But don’t tell them that. Trust me, you don’t want the drama.

• refs getting in the ay (Google Search in Seattle, WA)

Oh hot damn
This is my jam
Keep me partyin til the AM
Ya’ll don’t understand
Make me throw my hands in the ayer, a-ayer, ayer, a-ayer

Or did you mean way? Guess I’m just feelin’ a little Flo Rida’ right now.

• trojan ponds oregon (Google Search in Portland, OR)

I was all ready to go off on this Oregonian Trojan lover with poor typing skills. Then I found out there’s a Trojan Pond along the Columbia River. See, you learn things here.

• lamichael james addicted to (Google Search in Spokane, WA)

Hey, it's his addiction. Lay off.

I checked with the student health center, got around a few HIPAA laws and can present the following LaMichael James addictions:

1. 100 yard running games
2. Pirouettes
3. Girls named LaWanda, LaTisha, LaGretchen and Agnus (I know, that last one blew my mind, too)
4. Touchdowns
5. Fumbles. Except no one knew ’cause he quit that shit cold turkey (WSU relapse notwithstanding)
6. Garden walks. Even the great ones appreciate dahlias in the fall

• response to arbiter sports editor (Google Search in Los Angeles, CA)

Well, I tried that. If there was one lesson learned, it’s that the Juan de Fuca Plate is only the second biggest threat to the Pacific Northwest’s well-being. An Oregon-Boise State title game would be far more destructive.

• picture of rick neuhisel “wearing an oregon hat” (Google Search in Clackamas, OR)

Ah hell, it’s a friendly relationship now, anyway. Here ya’ go.

• chip kelly origins (Google Search in Eugene, OR)

Fantastic search. So good in fact that it couldn’t be properly answered in this space. You have to click here for the full story.

Um, well, if your mascot is some sort of devilfairyhuman, this link has just the 3 foot stencil you’ve been looking for. Frankly, I think you could do better.

myoffenseisbetterthanyours@gmail.com

Reading it, I realized I simply don’t care anymore. Rick Neuheisel, the Angelina Jolie to our Jennifer Aniston, a coach I am – by nature of being an Oregon football fan – supposed to hate, inspires no emotion from me. Nothing. I pricked myself with a pin. Felt that. Clearly this is different than general numbness. I truly no longer care.

Don’t get me wrong. Those were some good days. “Scoreboard, baby!” became scoreboard vomit, there was gratuitous dancing on others logos, recruiting he said/she saids and so much mutual loathing between fan bases that coach-hating came naturally.

Frankly, looking back on it gives me a warm and fuzzy nostalgic feeling. Almost makes you wanna’ get out the VCR and pop a tape in. It certainly makes me want to find a coach to hate again.

But Rick Neuheisel isn’t that guy. Part of it is the passage of time. I have no hostility for the Backstreet Boys anymore but that has nothing to do with me coming around to their musical talents. Time simply has a way of making you forget why it is you got so worked up in the first place.

More than that, though, it’s the lack of relevance. UCLA and Oregon have no real history of animosity and the Bruins haven’t been good enough to manufacture any sort of disdain. Plus, Neuheisel is far more polished now. He’s a diplomatic coach that says and does the right things. Well, except for coaching good football. That seems to be a work in progress.

The times, they have a-changed. No doubt, many Ducks fans don’t share my withered rancor. I say hate on if ya’ got in ya’. But for me, when Oregon and UCLA match up on Thursday, I’ll have little care about the head man in powdered blue. Those days are long gone.

It’s not mail, it’s visitor searches. Google, Yahoo, Bing… they all come from somewhere.

• sports: once is luck but twice (Google Search in Newell, NC)

Yes? Were you going to finish that or just leave us hanging? Oh, I see! You’re absolutely right. Once was Luck, but again this year? I don’t think so.

• who is the person to talk to at u of oregon to rent stadium
  (AOL Search in Los Angeles, CA)

What did you have in mind? Big concert? Birthday bash? We already covered weddings. When trying to rent a university’s football stadium, it’s always a good idea to start with the athletic department.

• oregon vs stanford black out (Bing Search in Eugene, OR)

No, you’re confused. It’s a yellowout. Or is it a blackout? Yellowout? Anyone? Help.

Look, I appreciate the spirit of uniformity, but it’s not going to happen. This has been tried for years and it NEVER WORKS. Why? because the athletic department doesn’t get involved and hand out 55,000 t-shirts. Let’s face it. Duck fans are full of individuals that want to wear whatever the hell they want. Good luck changing that.

• scoreboard, baby (Google Search in Seattle, WA)

Neuheisel? Is that you? Feelin’ good after a couple wins, huh?

• 

  Not to be trifled with.

  nature battle: duck vs beaver (Google Search in Corvallis, OR)

Interesting hypothetical. Or do you think nature occasionally pits a duck vs. a beaver? A beaver’s ground attack is going to be solid. It’s going to be able to dam up some waterways, creating a nice tranquil pond for a duck to laze about in. That’s when the beaver can come up from underneath and strike. But seriously, what’a couple buck teeth and big tail compared to wings? Ducks can dive bomb the shit out of a beaver all day. No contest.

• picks to win oregon ducks football stanford (Google Search in Salem, OR)

Oregon. Next search, please.

• who will win ducks arizona football (Google Search in Portland, OR)

Oregon. Next search, please!

• stanford tree declares war on duck (Google Search in Roseburg, OR)

The Tree was quoted in SI saying “I’ve taken on way worse than him in my travels and wanderings. If he happens to throw some punches, that might just make my day.”

Seriously? You’re a band mascot! The school doesn’t even have one. You should know the Duck takes a backseat to no mascot. Do I  really need to post the Houston Cougar beatdown again?

• oregon state beavers pic nude (Google Search in Meridian, ID)

You type the word “nude” one time on the blog and this is what happens. If you want to find pictures of Sara Underwood, Google is your friend. Wait, you already tried that. What the hell are you doing here? Wrong blog!

• how jon wilner voted (Google Search in Madison, WI)

Like a giant pile of elephant excrement…or whatever animal produces the largest amount of waste. According to Yahoo Answers, it’s the elephant on land, humpback whale by sea. Jon Wilner’s voting is both combined.

• you misguided beaver (Google Search in Athens, GA)

No, no, no, no. I was raised in a Beaver family, yes. But I’m all Duck! I guess in that sense you could call me a misguided Beaver, but I’ve never swung that way. I prefer to think of myself as self-enlightened.

Last week's picks were poisoned by a sweet elixir called ego. I humbly offer these improved predictions.

An ego is pure poison. Sure, I went 7-3 last week, but any sap could have done that. It’s the 1-8 record against the spread that was the betting equivalent of gargling acid. Just like that, I don’t know what I’m doing.

Straight Up: 24-4
Against the Spread: 10-11

Posted spreads are from sportsbook.com at time of publishing.

#20 USC @ Washington State
Ways to win by 22 knowing the Cougars are capable of no more than 6 points:

1. 2-3 on two point conversions and a defensive shutout.
2. 2-4 on two point conversions and hold Washington State to two field goals.
3. 0-4 on two point conversions and hold the Cougars to a safety.

Hell, I don’t know what combination of two point conversions Vegas is expecting here, but 22 points seems like the easiest/worst bet one can find.

On the one hand, beating Wazzu by 22 is a given. On the other hand, Lane Kiffin.

The Cougars’ awfulness trumps USC’s ineptitude.

Straight Up: USC
ATS: USC -22

#16 Stanford @ Notre Dame
Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly (affectionately referred to by WOTB as “the little man that came out of the big man“) says Jack Harbaugh (dad) is the best coach in the family. And you know what else, Jim? The oddsmakers think you’re only 4.5 points better than these guys. Yeah, seriously! Uh oh, I sense a late and unnecessary score to make it 59-17. That’s his deal.

Straight Up: Stanford
ATS: Stanford -4.5

UCLA @ #7 Texas
Do you think Rick Neuheisel got back on the mic after beating Houston last week? What did he tell the crowd that booed him after the Stanford debacle? “Scoreboard, baby,” I’m guessing. It’d be easy to say the Bruins will return to form against a top 10 team on the road, but I’m not convinced about the Longhorns credentials.

Straight Up: Texas
ATS: UCLA +16

#23 Oregon State @ #3 Boise State
Oooo Sssss Uuuuu…. No, that’s as far as I go. A college football nation turned its lonely eyes to this game the minute Virginia Tech lost to Boise. Oregon State Beaver gear is sold out in the far reaches of Norman, Austin, Fort Worth, Lincoln and so on. Eugene… still on the racks, but r-r-r-r-rooting for the Beavs anyway.

Straight Up: Boise State
ATS: Oregon State +17.5

California @ #14 Arizona
Now that California’s back where they are most comfortable (in expectation exile), it would make perfect sense for them to win this game. They won’t because, well, Andy Ludwig is still offensive coordinator, but it’s a “closer than you’d think” game.

Straight Up: Arizona
ATS: Cal +7

#5 Oregon @ Arizona State
Perhaps Vegas is on the take because 11.5 points is way too low for this game. Maybe they know something I don’t, but Oregon will win this by at least three touchdowns. I’m sure of  it. Completely and totally… somewhat, kinda’ certain.

Straight Up: Oregon
ATS: Oregon -11.5