With such a long absence, it’s not always easy to get back at it, but fortunately, the FOTB  found inspiration in Chip Kelly and his new position, the TZR (Tazer). In honor of Kelly’s creativity, FOTB unveils her ideas for some innovative positions of her own. Chip, if you’re reading, royalties can be paid via PayPal. Thank you. Special thanks to friend of the blog Nate for the headline.

(If yer’ new round’ these parts, get yourself familiar with FOTB).

DR (The Doctor), Deep Receiver
FOTB: He goes long. Just what the doctor ordered. It’s basically a wide receiver but a way cooler name. When people say, “What position are you? he says, ‘I’m the doctor!’.”

QTERB (Quiet Rabbit), Quarterback/Tight End/Running Back
FOTB: It’s a tight end who can throw and run. You can put both the QB and the Quiet Rabbit in at the same time and you just don’t know. He’s sneaky like the tortoise and the hare…well the hare didn’t win.
OTP: (She’s doing the talking without the thinking, I have no idea how this is like the tortoise and the hare).
FOTB: Basically, he’s a QB like we have now that can run and throw, but also can block. Since he’s on the D List and not the A List, he can get injured and you don’t have to worry about it as much. (OTP: I’m so lost).

TGR (Tiger), Tackle Guard Rover
OTP: What does he do?
FOTB: Well, he tackles, he guards and he roves.
OTP: (Basically, she has no idea about any of these positions, but managed to make something called Tiger)

RBOT (Robot), Running Back/Offensive Tackle
FOTB: I don’t get the whole lining up thing, but maybe you can just hut the ball to the side.
OTP: Like a direct snap to the running back?
FOTB: No! The Robot lines up on the line and gets the ball passed on the side.
OTP: I don’t think you can do that.
FOTB: I don’t know how this all works. I told you! You said just make up positions and don’t worry about rules.

DRG (Dragon) Double Right Guard
FOTB: I don’t know what a right guard is.
OTP: Well, what does the Dragon do?
FOTB: I don’t know…what the right guard does times two? He’s a dragon because he’s huge. He’s twice the size like a double cheeseburger…twice the meat.

CBR (Cobra) Cornerback Rover
FOTB: Our corners always need a little extra help so the cobra snakes the field and helps. I guess it’s like a safety but a cooler name.

Apparently, you connect the dots between linemen, throw the HB and RB in the backfield and you have a HaMMeR.

HMMR (Hammer) Uh, no idea. FOTB?
FOTB: I really want this position but I don’t know what positions to use for the M. You could have the offensive line make the two m’s.
OTP: Huh?
FOTB: (Furiously draws a diagram and thrusts it in front of me. You be the judge as I attempted to recreate this drawing)
FOTB: You have your H-back, running back and the whole offensive line. It’s more of a play than a position, like it’s hammer time. Hahahaha. Ah, that’s sad.
OTP: (She’s just laughing at herself and apparently MC Hammer).
OTP: What kind of play do you run?
FOTB: I don’t do the plays, it’s just a lineup and I wanted the Hammer.

SR2 (sounds like, es are squared) Skinny Receiver Rover
FOTB: He cuts up the middle, works the inside, between the O-line. He goes skinny, not wide.

FOTB: I wish I could do a Wizard position.
OTP: Well, you could use Wingback…
FOTB: What!?!?! (she looks bewildered). You didn’t tell me that either! There’s a wingback? Does it fly? Oh man, I should have known about this. Make sure you tell everyone you didn’t give me the cool positions. You only gave me standard ones.

Note: OTP is a family blog and would not allow the Center Nose Tackle position to take root here.

Two FOTBs in one week. Oh my! This time, during a segment of the South Carolina-Vanderbilt game, I turned the questions over to the FOTB and did some answering of my own.

FOTB: What do you think of the different kinds of pants the teams wear? Some have skinny stripes, some have huge stripes, some have slashing stripes.
OTP: Completely irrelevant. I don’t think I was prepared for this. I will say that the big splotchy look like Oregon had on their last uniform is really ugly. I like a nice thin stripe or all solid color.

FOTB: Why does Vandy have a star?
OTP: Crap. Uh, because they’re the Commodores and, uh,  a Commodore is like a sherrif… yeah.
FOTB: That’s your answer? Nice, I can’t wait to Google that.

Postscript: They are named after Cornelius Vanderbilt who made his money in shipping. Commodores is an homage to the fact that a Commodore is a Navy title. Whatever.

FOTB: Can you create your own characters?
OTP: Huh?
FOTB: Like linebackers and wide receivers and cornerbacks. Can you create your own?
OTP: I suppose so. A coach can create his own terminology for his system, kind of like how Oregon has a Rover position.
FOTB: What about left side righty?
OTP: First, no. Second, what?
FOTB: A guy who starts on the left and runs to his right.
OTP: So what, like a running back?
FOTB: Yeah, that’s the running back’s name now.
OTP: But he doesn’t always run that way.
FOTB: Well, wide receivers don’t always go wide, running backs don’t always run, kickers don’t always kick…
OTP: My silent thoughts: how can she make something so stupid actually seem logical?

FOTB: What do you think about having names on the back of the jersey?
OTP: For it. Only pretentious teams that think they’re better than everybody don’t have names on the back.
FOTB: What teams don’t have names on the jersey?
OTP: Probably USC, Notre Dame a couple teams you wouldn’t think of.
FOTB: Wanna’ know something? Both teams in this game don’t have names.
OTP: Ah! That’s a trick question. You trapped me!
FOTB: Just joking, only one team doesn’t have the name (she says this as the game comes back from commercial and immediately shows the back of a South Carolina jersey with name in full view).

FOTB: If you were a defensive end, what dirty thing would you do in the pile?
OTP: I think the logical thing is to grab the balls.
FOTB:What? I’d do a wet willy.
OTP: How?
FOTB: Through the ear hole!
OTP: But you’d get your finger caught in the helmet.
FOTB: It’s better than you grabbing the balls of a player. You want to molest people!

FOTB: Last question. What percentage of schools in the F-T double P-P…
OTP: The what?
FOTB: Whatever it is you called it (that would be the ridiculously named FBS)
FOTB: What percentage have their costume designs by Nike, Adidas and Under Armour? And does Reebok have any teams?
OTP: First, they are uniforms, not costumes.
FOTB: I know.
OTP: I don’t think any school has Under Armour.
FOTB: They do right there!!! (Indeed, South Carolina has Under Armour)
FOTB: Haha, you don’t know anything you bitch-ass! We’ve learned so much tonight, how much Nick does not know. That’s the blog title, right there.
OTP: I really didn’t think Under Armour did uniforms, but I’d say Adidas has about 1-2 schools per conference and the rest Nike.
OTP: Alright, I’m done. This is over.

I haven’t missed her, but I know you did, so let’s welcome back the newly-named FOTB (WOTB still a work in progress). Stepping out of the normal Thursday night routine, we sat down and watched some Pac-10 dominance of the SEC (hey, OT wins are dominance when the winning team is without 96.3% of its starting lineup). Pretty much what follows is useless and a complete dressing down of my entire being, so enjoy.

FOTB: If Tennessee loses, we jump a spot, right?
OTP: What are they ranked?
FOTB: 18th. How do you not know that? You used to know stuff.
OTP: I know stuff.
FOTB: Not like you used to. In college, you knew everything.
OTP: I never knew the entire top 25 and the exact ranking of every team.
FOTB: Yes you did.
OTP: There’s no way.
FOTB: Look, the 18 has been next to their name the entire game. How could you not know that?
OTP: I just wasn’t paying attention to it.

FOTB: I think you need to do football camp training before the season starts.
OTP: That’s BS. I know plenty of stuff. I just didn’t know one team’s ranking.
FOTB: You don’t know anything.
OTP: I know plenty.

(We’ve tried doing an FOTB a couple times now and had some previous discussions that went nowhere)

FOTB: Earlier, you didn’t know if refs went to training camp.
OTP: I’m sure they have some sort of preseason training.
FOTB: But you didn’t know.
OTP: I know a lot of stuff, your questions are just ridiculous.
FOTB: I’ll ask you another and you won’t answer it.
OTP: What?
FOTB: I don’t have one yet.

(After a long pause, the blimp shot shows the Rose Bowl from above)

FOTB: What does our end zone say?
OTP: Pause…Oregon…pause…yeah, Oregon on both ends.
FOTB: hahaha.
OTP: I answered.
FOTB: Yeah, but you paused.
OTP: Only to make sure I got it right so you’d shut up.
FOTB: You should just know.
OTP: I did.

OTP: Whatever, we keep trying to do this blog and you’ve never given me any predictions or anything else.
FOTB: I told you our kicker was bad and needs to shave his porn ’stache. That was my analysis.

(Back to the game)

FOTB: What’s their mascot? I know it’s the Volunteers but what is the mascot?
OTP: I think it’s a hound dog or something like that. Actually, I really don’t know.
FOTB:Of course not, why would I ask you?

OTP: I thought I asked the questions for this.
FOTB: Hey, I just watch the game and have questions,
OTP: I’ll tell you what, Thursday night, you ask the questions, I’ll answer everything. You just prepare some questions.
FOTB: No, if I prepare, you’ll never get anything right. I’ll find the most obscure facts.
OTP: I’ll bring my A game.
FOTB: You have no A game.
OTP: It’s on.

Epilogue…about an hour later as I write this
OTP: Ooohho!! What is that motherf—–? (Yeah, that’s what I really said). http://smokeys-trail.com/TN/traditions.html

As I show my screen…

OTP: That’s a hound dog. I know my shit!
FOTB: (Smiles). You don’t know jack (she’s too busy watching One Tree Hill to care at this point).

You have to understand that for GOTB to work on a weekly basis, you have to get her in the right frame of mind. If not, it’s terribly difficult to execute. As I sat down during the second half of West Virginia and Louisville, it quickly became apparent…my timing was off.

GOTB: First off, West Virginia’s uniforms are the ugliest I’ve seen in my entire life.
BB: Ever?
GOTB: Ugliest ever.
GOTB: And why are they wearing white socks? Why didn’t they wear something that goes with it?
BB: That doesn’t go?
GOTB: Not at all.

(At this point, I begin searching for something in the Oregon game my dad mentioned to me. I think GOTB will like it. She becomes impatient and decides she doesn’t want to do this, gets up, declares she’s not saying anything until someone tells her why all quarterbacks have a green sticker on their helmet. She declares a boycott. Ever hopeful, I record the fourth quarter and await her return from a half hour bath.

During the break, I managed to find what I was looking for from the Oregon game and show it to GOTB upon her return.)

GOTB: He’s (the ref) got a pink whistle. So what?
BB: So what? After all you’ve fought for to promote the unity of pink and football, you’re on the record saying, “so what?”
GOTB: What’s the big deal?
BB: What if your pink crusade is catching on?
GOTB: You think too highly of this blog.
BB: I’m just trying to give you credit. There’s been thousands of visitors here in the last few months. You never know how something might catch on.
(The blog doesn’t actually have this much ego. The blog is just playing along.)
GOTB: Listen, until someone can tell me why quarterbacks have green stickers on the back of their helmets, I’m boycotting this blog.
BB: You’re on strike?
GOTB: Yep.

(Long pause)

GOTB: You know why they have pink whistles, dummy? It’s breast cancer month.
BB: That was October.
GOTB: Did you Google it?
BB: No.
GOTB: Oh my gosh, you’re gonna’ write your stupid blog and it’s gonna’ be wrong. You’re such an idiot.

(GOTB Googles)

GOTB: Yep, that’s it. All Pac-10 refs for the last two weeks of October (not sure how the first week of November fits in) used pink whistles. Gaaawsh.

(More game watching and silence as I try to bait her in.)

GOTB: That guy looks like T-Pain.
BB: T-Pain?
GOTB: Yeah, the backup quarterback looks like that rapper, T-Pain, that just got arrested.
(The blog – a big DMX fan at one point – is shocked that a rapper was arrested.)
BB: Isn’t it Lil’ Wayne?
GOTB: Maybe. You want me to Google it?
BB: Yes.

(GOTB Googles)
GOTB: Yep, there’s photos. He just got arrested in Florida.
(For the record, both Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain have been arrested. For the record, part II, T-Pain is short for Tallahassee Pain. For the record, part III, the blog has officially lost touch with pop culture.)

(Some guy for West Virginia beats himself senseless with his own helmet.)

GOTB: He has blood on his helmet.
BB: Really?
GOTB: No. You honestly believed that? You’re so gullible.
BB: You always observe things I don’t notice during a game.
GOTB: I’m not doing your stupid blog tonight.

GOTB: That backup QB (alleged T-Pain look alike) is so little.
BB: T-Pain? Really?
GOTB: Maybe he does look like Lil’ Wayne.

(Some player with the last name “Dingle” appears on screen. We both laugh.)

BB: So are you still on strike?
GOTB: Mmm, hmmm.
BB: For how long? If we get this answer for you, do you promise to come back?
GOTB: Yep.

(Green stickers and quarterbacks? Anyone?)

It’s a big weekend of football and you don’t have to tell the GOTB that. She knows what’s at stake and is back for another round, this time sans POTGOTB. Lotta’ pressure, Jes. What do you have for us?

NOTE: As always, the conversation occurs during the course of ESPN Thursday night football, this time featuring Boston College and Virginia Tech (what the hell Hokies?!?!)

BB: We gotta’ do GOTB!
GOTB: I’ll do GOTB when you tell me what a Hokie is.
BB: No idea.

BB: Let’s do something a little different to get started. How ’bout a little midseason trivia?
GOTB: Ok, I’m not very good.
BB: I’ll start off with some softballs.
GOTB: Softballs are hard, too
BB: Hmm, I suppose they are.

(ESPN commentator Todd Blackledge says, “I agree, that’s a hard play you gotta’ make when your quarterback sticks it in between two defenders)

GOTB: Hehehehe.
BB: So mature.

Qeustion #1: Who’s currently the #1 team?
(Thinks long and hard)
GOTB: Ohio State! I had to think. I knew it wasn’t USC, it couldn’t be LSU because you already said earlier they’re #3 and it’s not Boston College because they’re #2 so I had to remember another team.
BB: How’d you remember Ohio State?
GOTB: I don’t know. I’m a miracle worker.

Question #2: List as many teams as you can from #1 on down the BCS rankings.
GOTB: Ohio State, Boston College, LSU, Arizona State and Oregon. That’s all I know.
BB: Come on, you can get more.
GOTB: No I can’t! Stop it!

Question #3: What’s the best conference in college football?
GOTB: According to who?
BB: According to the entire world.
GOTB: SEC?
BB: Of course.

How many losses does Appalachian State now have?
GOTB: 1.
BB: No.
GOTB: 4
BB: No
GOTB: 2

Who’s in first place in the Pac-10?
GOTB: Isn’t it tied between ASU and UCLA?
BB: Very good.
GOTB: YES!

Last place in the Pac-10?
GOTB: Is it tied between Washington and Arizona?
BB: Washington and Washington State.
GOTB: Ah, sucks to live in that state.
BB: That it does.

What did Pete Carroll say to Mike Bellotti on TV last year?
GOTB: EDITOR’S NOTE: This answer has been censored for your protection.

GOTB: What is that guy doing? I think I could be a special teams coach?
BB: Why would you think that?
GOTB: I don’t know, why do they call it special teams? Usually when you call someone special, it means they’re disabled. You know how some kids are disabled? Well, don’t say disabled, that’s mean, but they call them special.
BB: Wow.
GOTB: Really, though. Why are they special teams?
BB: I don’t know.
GOTB: You’re not answering any of myquestions. You didn’t tell me what a Hookie is.
BB: Hokie
GOTB: Whatever, you still don’t know what it is.

GOTB: How do you become a Tech school? Do you focus on technology?
BB: I guess. I don’t know.
GOTB: You don’t know much about your job.
BB: What’s my job?
GOTB: Knowing stuff.

(They show the Hokies mascot picture)
GOTB: That must be a Hokie! Why are everybody’s mascots a bird?
BB: Everybody?
GOTB: Yeah.
BB: Ok, realistically, what percent of teams would you say have mascots as birds?
GOTB: 70%. No, there’s a lot of dogs, too. 50. Wait, 40.
BB: Pick a number!
GOTB: 40
(Blog fact checker says:14.16% of all Football Bowl Subdivision teams have a bird as a mascot.)

GOTB: Has anyone ever stabbed someone else in the huddle?
BB: What? Why are you even asking that?
GOTB: I don’t know, just wondering.
BB: You need to watch one less episode of CSI a week.

GOTB: What’s on that guy’s arm?
BB: I don’t know.
GOTB: Dude, honestly, the only answer you have to my questions is, “I don’t know.”
BB: You ask retarded questions (or should I say special).
GOTB: No I don’t. I ask what the people want to know. No one else asks them because people like you say it’s retarded.

BB: Okay, we need some full-on football analysis. What does the offense need to do this weekend to be successful?
GOTB: We have to put our tall receiver Jaison Williams on a short DB. We need Jones back because he’s fast and we need the little man (Pflugrad) to catch everything. Dixon needs to throw the ball well. I’m a little afraid to have Stewart run. I feel like he’s gonna’ get hurt. I feel like the Trojans are going to pound Stewart harder than anyone ever has.
BB: Um…
GOTB: And we need to bust out some new trick plays.

(After arguing about a ridiculous point she made about our defense…)
GOTB: That’s it, I don’t want to do this anymore.
BB: Come on.
GOTB: If you can tell me what that thing is on the ref’s belt, I’ll finish.
BB: It’s a beanbag to mark the spot of a fumble.
GOTB:Why didn’t you answer that the last time I asked?
BB: You never asked that question.
GOTB: I did too. You don’t pay attention to me. I’m done.
BB: Well, at least give us a score prediction.
GOTB: 48-31
BB: Who wins?
GOTB: We do. What do you mean who wins? Good Lord, you’re dumb.

Missing in action for the past two weeks, Girlfriend of the Blog is back and she brought her crazy parents with her (I don’t really mean that). As such, Father of the Girlfriend of the Blog (FOTGOTB) and Mother of the Girlfriend of the Blog (MOTGOTB) are making their debut during ESPN Thursday Night Football featuring Florida State vs. Wake Forest.

BB: So, it’s been awhile and we need to address the biggest moment you’ve had in the three weeks you’ve done this.
GOTB: Oh yeah, pink flags, I was right!
GOTB: Where’s Wake Forest?
BB: Take a guess.
GOTB: East coast. Maine?
BB: Uh, no.
GOTB: North Carolina.
BB: How’d you know that?
GOTB: Was I right?
BB: Yeah, how?
GOTB: ‘Cause that’s where Baronee was.
BB: Again, it wasn’t Baronee.
GOTB: Oh yeah, Boone.
GOTB: Too bad for them, that’s not the biggest upset anymore. How happy is Michigan that Stanford beat USC?

(TV announcer mentions a player with an injured spleen.)
GOTB: What’s the spleen? Do you even need it? Don’t people get that removed all the time?

(Conversation erupts about spleens. Focus, people. )
GOTB: Wake Forest looks like a high school team.
BB: Do you remember where we saw them?
FOTGOTB: Toilet Bowl
BB: Exactly, otherwise known as the Seattle Bowl.
(This is a good point to mention that the worst part of that bowl was not the game itself but sleeping on the floor of some Oregon lineman’s (I can only remember the first name, Pat) hotel room hoping he didn’t eat us all alive.)

GOTB: What’s a Deamon Deacon? How come everyone gets upset about mascots named after Indians, but not this? How come Deacons aren’t upset about this nickname?
BB: You could take that further and mention the Fighting Irish.
GOTB: Yeah, but Irish people are always drunk, so it makes sense.
(This blog does not condone the blanket stereotyping of any particular race of people, but it does find it funny.)

GOTB: Is the Hawaii quarterback doing good? I read an article on him. He has like 20 kids. Maybe not. Maybe he lives with 20 kids.
(Blog fact checker says: Uh, no. As far as we can tell, not even sure where that came from.)

(Watching the game still)
GOTB: Look, he’s (a Wake Forest player) apologizing.
BB: I don’t think that’s what he’s doing.
BB: You think all players should apologize after a tackle.
GOTB: I didn’t say they should. I just asked if they did. It seems like they would.
FOTGOTB: Well, if they’re gentleman, they’ll at least apologize when they hit someone in the nuts.

(At this point, Jes goes into some diatribe about bands playing songs from the 90s, specifically Ludacris’ “Move, Bitch, Get Out the Way.”)
FOTGOTB: Your big fat ass is making my day, move bitch, get out the way.
BB: Huh? What did you say?
FOTGOTB: Well, I’m trying to figure out how the song would go.
GOTB: That’s all it is, move bitch, get out the way.
FOTGOTB: Cool lyrics.

(Now, the family is in discussion about some lady FOTGOTB once yelled at while driving. Note to self, don’t do this with a full family in attendance.)

BB: Moving back to football, are you happy USC lost?
GOTB: I don’t care, you care. You’re the one obsessed so if it makes you happy, I guess I’m happy.
(Isn’t she the sweetest?)

(GOTB decides to get back on the pink flag issue. She’s extremely proud that a writer took the time to mention that yellow flags can cause confusion.)
FOTGOTB: What about striped flags just like the ref’s jersey?
GOTB: No, he’d lose it in his stomach and wouldn’t be able to find it.
FOTGOTB: But if he ever loses it, he could throw his shirt.
MOTGOTB: I think yellow’s effective. Just leave it alone.
GOTB: No.
FOTGOTB: Jes, men are not going out with pink flags on the football field.
MOTGOTB: Yeah, but how many pink ties did we see on the guys on that football show (College Football Live) last night…on the pretty boy (Jesse Palmer).
BB: Good point, but can we all agree pink flags are not happening?
GOTB: I think they will.

(Hmm, maybe we should attempt some sort of actual football talk)
BB: Who’s gonna’ win this weekend?
GOTB: Oregon
BB: How much?
GOTB: 20 points
BB: Score?
GOTB: 76-56
BB: Are you being ridiculous?
GOTB: Yeah.
(I probably shouldn’t have even bothered)

Jesse’s back and just a tad ornery this week. Luckily, my brother Kevin is in town to support me. This week’s conversation took place during ESPN Thursday night football between Miami and Texas A&M. As always, Jes is represented as Girlfriend of the Blog (GB) while I stick with Blogging with B (BB). Newcomer Kevin, Sibling of the Blog (SB) also makes an appearance.

GB: Miami’s outfits have a sumo-esque look.
BB: Huh?
SB: What?
GB: You know, sumo wrestlers?
(We don’t get it)
SB: Is it the tailbone pad?
GB: Look! (She points and I’ll be damned if she doesn’t have a point. It’s an entirely different experience watching these games with her).

BB: Okay, real quick, recap your thoughts about last week’s game, Fresno vs. Oregon.
GB: It was boring.
BB: Why?
GB: I hate when you ask stupid questions.
BB: What’s stupid?
GB: I’m not in the mood right now.
BB: Get in the mood. You have fans that depend on you.
GB: What fans? No one reads your blog.
SB: Why are you so mean to him?
GB: Do you read his blog?
SB: No.

BB: Ok, great, now about the last game…
GB: I wish we’d score more in the second half.
GB: Does Texas A&M realize their helmets say ATM?
BB: Sigh.

SB: Nick, who are you betting on this weekend?
BB: Not sure.
GB: He’s not allowed to bet. He has no money.
SB: Ok, who are you not betting on?
GB: He can’t bet. He loses. He’s not fun to be around when he loses.
SB: Nick, do you ever feel like you never get support in this relationship?
BB: All the time.

BB: Ok, let’s try another football question. Preview the Stanford game for us.
GB: I know nothing about them other than their mascot is a tree.
BB: We went to the Stanford game last year. You’ve seen them play.
GB: I’m not like you. I can’t remember every team.
BB: Well, Let’s go back a few years to the 2001 season, the last time Stanford beat Oregon
GB: Oh, you know what that game was?
GB: My back went out on me and Nick wouldn’t leave the game to take me home (Kevin says, “nice” and has me pound it out). I had to walk home by myself and have my mom come pick me up. He stayed and we lost the game. That was his punishment.
BB: You’re putting the one loss that cost Oregon a shot at the national championship on me?
GB: It is because of you. You had awful karma.

BB: So what’s your prediction for this game? We’re gonna’ win easy, right?
GB: You say that, but what if we go in there and lose?
BB: We won’t.
SB: They’re not losing (and he’s a Beaver fan).
GB: Every game’s a game. You gotta’ compete.
GB: I want it to be 72-4.
SB: Two safeties, huh?
GB: No, a field goal and an extra point.
GB: I think it’ll be 50-something to 14 because Bellotti will put the second string in.

BB: All right, we’re done.
GB: No, we’re not done. That whole interview sucked. You never asked any questions.
SB: You don’t even know what’s happening. You’re just talking and talking and giving material.
GB: Whatever.

I seriously hope you all enjoy Jesse’s presence here and appreciate what I’ve gone through to make sure it’s possible. I just finished fulfilling my obligation to watch High School Musical 2 in exchange for this little appearance. First off, I’m thrilled to have missed HSM 1. Secondly, that was excruciating. Thirdly, let’s move on. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Once again, I (BB) sat down with Girlfriend of the Blog (GB) Jesse during ESPN Thursday night football for a little one on one.

GB: What mascot is that?
BB: A terp. A terrapin.
GB: What’s that?
BB: A turtle.
GB: That’s not a turtle. Aren’t turtles green or brown?
(ESPN is interviewing Darryl Hill, first African American to play in the ACC)
GB: That guy looks like the guy from Goonies! Heeeey yoooooou guys!! Ah, so sad. I’m so mean. Ha! He totally looks like him, though!
(My sincere apologies to Mr. Hill. This blog does not wish to go to hell.)

BB: Ok, first question, give me your impression of the Oregon-Michigan game.
GB: I thought we looked sharp in our uniforms. Dennis Dixon looked amazing which scares me a little bit.
BB: Why?
GB: Because he started good last year and then faded off.
GB: I thought the coaches were genius. I said that like 5 million times during the game. A couple drives were disappointing because we didn’t score.

BB: I can’t keep up with you.
GB: That’s why you failed at journalism.
BB: Most people have tape recorders.
GB: What did they do in the olden days? Do you think they had tape recorders? No, they knew how to write fast.
BB: I hate you.

BB: What do you think about the Duck mascot and his fight (which I still say was staged)?
GB: You know what’s really weird? Why didn’t the Cougar fight back?
GB: That guy’s fast (West Virginia RB Noel Devine)! His legs are crazy like the roadrunners.
GB: The fighting wasn’t so bad, but he was pervetedly graphic. Is that the right thing to say?

BB: What mascot fight would you most like to see?
GB: I don’t know. That’s a stupid question. I’m sorry I’m not you and don’t know every mascot on every team. The Stanford Tree and this turtle would make a good fight.

BB: How about this Oklahoma fan that gave a Texas fan 60 stitches in the crotch while at a bar?
GB: How drunk was he? What a dumbass! Did Oklahoma and Texas just play? Are they rivals or something? I don’t get it. Did he rip it? Seriously, how do you get 60 stitches there? Boys are so territorial about their teams. They’re like cavemen.

BB: Are you happy with Oregon’s #19 ranking?
GB: I don’t care. I like being underestimated. We’re better being the underdog. I don’t like it when we’re the overdog.
BB: Overdog?
GB: Well, what do you call it?
BB: I don’t know.
GB: Yeah, exactly. I’m right.
(and apparently, she is, so says dictionary.com)

GB: Wouldn’t you have to be in shape to be ref? This guy’s really fat.
GB: Why are flags yellow? They should be pink. You know why? No team wears pink. If a yellow team had a piece of the jersey torn, a team could think it’s a flag and stop playing.
BB: I’m pretty sure that’s never been an issue.
GB: Well, it could be.

BB: Okay, Oregon vs. Fresno. What are you thinking?
GB: I know nothing about Fresno. I know that they hate us because we always beat them. I think we’ll win. It’ll be a great test since it’s not a big game.
BB: Your offensive MVP of the game?
GB: Someone is gonna’ be an amazing receiver this week ’cause we haven’t had a kickass receiver yet.
BB: Defensive MVP?
GB: I want to see someone on the d-line step up and do good. Hardcore.
BB: Hardcore?
GB: Don’t write that. Please? Nick, please?
(Pinches me)
BB: Okay, I won’t, I’m just catching up.
(Stops pinching me)

BB: Score prediction?
GB: I’m gonna’ say 27-14 (in favor of Oregon).

Every once in awhile, something so important comes along that you just have to stop and take it in. This is one of those moments. Q&A numero uno between Blogging with B (BB) and Girlfriend of the Blog (GB) starts now.

BB: Give me your thoughts on Michigan
GB: I didn’t see them play. Hey, you misquoted me. I said I didn’t watch the game. No wonder you quit journalism. You suck at it.

BB: Okay, well, how do you think Oregon will do against Michigan?
GB: These are stupid questions.

BB: (Just staring at her)
GB: You’re awful.

BB: Name the school that beat Michigan
GB: It was two words…Abernathy! Is that right?
BB: No
GB: But you know where they’re from? Baronee, North Carolina!
BB: No (I give her a chance and some time to think about it)
GB: Ooh, Appalachian State!
BB: Nice!
GB: You know how I got that?
BB: You looked at the cover of SI on the table.
GB: Yeah, ’cause I’m smart like that.

(Watching the Oregon State game as this is going on)

GB: You know who the Cincinnati coach looks like. He looks like a little man that came out of the Notre Dame coach.
BB: Speechless (Judge for yourself).

BB: Ok, so we figured out it’s Appalachian State.
GB: Appal-ay-chian State.
BB: No, it’s Appal-a (as in apple)-chian State
GB: Oh, that’s dumb.

BB: You wanna’ take another shot at where they’re from?
GB: It’s Baronee (thinks for a moment) Yeah, (to the tune of the Petey Pablo song) North Carolina!
BB: No, it’s Boone.
GB: Oh yeah, I knew that. But I got North Carolina!

BB: Give us your thoughts on switching I-A and I-AA to bowl subdivision and championship subdivision:
GB: That’s retarded. Seriously. What is it, racist or classist to call someone I-AA? You know what that is? That’s like giving a blue ribbon in a fifth grade science fair to the kid that stuck a piece of moldy bread in the fridge just for showing up. It’s like when I gave Nate Jolly a ribbon for most improved dancer.

GB: Dude, if I was gay, I’d play football. You’d get to feel up all these guys. How could you not love it?

BB: Oregon vs. Houston last week, your thoughts?
GB: I saw no defensive line. Wait, I don’t want to be serious. Don’t write that. Hey, you can’t put that.

BB: A prediction for Oregon vs. Michigan?
GB: To be honest, I don’t know. I haven’t seen Michigan play. Our defense sucks, the D-Line is awful. Patrick Chung is good, though. Dennis Dixon is hot and cold. I don’t know if you can have a quarterback that throws poorly. He can run but aren’t the running backs supposed to do that? Michigan is pissed losing to some teeny-weeny team so I feel like they’ll kill us, but who knows, maybe they actually suck.
GB’s Pick: 52-48 Oregon. I’m a sucker. I always think my team will win (don’t we all).

Not to flood you with excessive content in one day, but this is huge.

Jesse (girlfriend of the blog) has agreed in principle to take part in a weekly Q&A during the football season.

There is one stipulation. I have to watch High School Musical 2. I know what the people want (more Jesse) so I’m taking one for the team on this. By the way, she tried to throw in the movie Hairspray, but I held my ground.

Terms of the deal:
Jesse gets: One viewing of High School Musical 2 with me (how bad can it be?)
The Blog gets: Entire season of Jesse Q&As.