Jes and I have received enough calls and messages that it’s probably a good idea I mention the San Diego fire situation on here. We can get back to hating USC a little later. There’s plenty of time for that.

We are not in any danger at all. We actually live in a really good spot where the air quality is the only issue. The fires seem to be north, south and east of us. They have been moving west, but all the damage is being sustained inland. I went north yesterday before I realized my company would be closed and it was a dark, brown sky with limited visibility and the air was just unbreathable. However, where we live, it’s actually been pleasant save for the hazy smoke hanging around.

It’s a pretty crazy scene here, as evacuations have been reported as high as 500,000 people with over 1,200 homes being destroyed. The situation is far from over as I understand it. A couple new fires got going today, one that is particularly concerning.

While the winds and hot, dry conditions have prevented making much progress (most fires are 0-5% contained), I’ve been impressed by the response of many agencies and individuals. We actually tried to take some donations to Qualcomm Stadium today but they’ve received so much stuff that they actually turned us away. You go out to Target or Vons and the stores are packed with people buying stuff.

The San Diego air is dark and smoky, utterly unbreathable in parts and evacuations are plentiful. They can close the doors at work, but the blog is not to be deterred. Not when ‘SC is on the schedule.

My first order of business this week is to call on the University of Oregon to do the right thing this year. I don’t want to see the athletic administration back down in the face of outside pressure. They must do what’s fair. That’s right, they must place bleachers on Pape Field so all our USC friends can view the game from a suitable distance. After all, the Trojans were kind enough to allow us to watch the game from a healthy distance in the Coliseum a year ago. The least we can do is respond in kind. I will not be happy if I see Trojans fans forced into seats with clear views of the field. If they can see a scoreboard (any scoreboard), we will have done them an injustice. If they can hear the PA announcer, we have failed in our hospitality. In fact, if they have any idea what’s going on at any point in the game, I will have lost all faith in the Oregon athletic department. And, for the love of sportsmanship, someone find a ghetto that is charging $60 for parking. I don’t want these fans feeling mistreated in any way.

I use Google Analytics to keep an eye on all of you who visit. It’s an awesome tool and is completely free. Currently, the analytics report shows 17 search phrases that people have used to enter this lovely little space on the web. Save for one, they’re not that interesting. The one?

Scantily covered Beavers.

The most recent search puts me at #30, the bottom of page 3. Google says I average #17. While I feel sorry for those who enter such a term and accidentally happen upon this blog, it’s with great pride that I hold this ranking.

I think with a little keyword stuffing, I may just rank again for scantily covered Beavers. That’s right, scantily covered Beavers.

Good news! Lemonyourwidmer.com has gone live!

Friend of this not-so-active blog Matt Graffe and his crew of Widmer pimpers have launched a site with videos featuring various ways to get the lemon into your delicious Widmer Hefeweizen.

Videos were shot both here in San Diego and in Portland.

Jes and I both have one on the site, though I admit, there are way cooler videos to be seen. My favorite is the chip shot. I also make a cameo appearance in another video, though I won’t say which.

I suggest you make your own video and submit it. I’m thinking I might try something using my mountain bike.

Spread the word, make a video, change the world.

I realize I missed all of April (what, a guy can’t take a month off?), so here’s what happened.

Florida won another national title.
Bleh, moving on.

Jesse went to the Playboy mansion.
You send someone to a place they can’t fully appreciate and you get an unsatisfactory review. I was underwhelmed by Jesse’s account of her adventure into Bunnyland. She explained that they (the bunnies) really weren’t that “impressive,” downplayed the whole thing and unloaded a ton of SWAG. The “Girls Next Door” have a 10 pm curfew, so they were nowhere to be found. Akon no-showed, but 3-6 Mafia filled in. How hard is it out here for a pimp if you’re doing last second fill-ins at the Playboy Mansion? Psst, are you over 40? If so, please consult wikipedia for details on just what the hell that last line meant. Thank you.

Sure, she had VIP and didn’t have to bother with lines, but apparently that doesn’t mean you get to bring home stories worthy of the location. I continue to be thoroughly disappointed in every way.

Here’s one of those gossipy accounts of the event, which according to Jesse and those she went with, is nothing like the party they were at.

My birthday cake was interesting. Here’s the picture:

I’ve been using a personal trainer
Either I’m really committed to improving my health or I’m really committed to giving someone money to oversee my temporary health kick before the inevitable fade back into bad habits.

The NFL Draft happened
ESPN has its work cut out. With the draft over and no story to beat to death, the good people of Bristol are going to have to make something up. Perhaps they can exploit the Barbaro angle as we near the Kentucky Derby.

By the way, say what you will about each team’s off-season, but no team is as stacked as San Diego. I would expect no worse than 19-0.

Oregon released a video for its new basketball arena.
I think it looks great and I’m glad they’re getting things going again, but it seems a tad underwhelming. I just don’t see how building a stadium with only 12,500 seats fits the future needs of a growing university and city.

I continue to be a Will Ferrell fan.
He hasn’t hit a home run since Anchorman (Stranger than Fiction was good, but in a different sort of way), but little gems like this keep me going.

Dude, who stole my modeling career?!
Tell me this guy isn’t cashing in on my looks! And he thinks he can grow the hair out to hide what he’s doing. For shame!

Spring Football is over
When did it start? And what happened? I don’t know and I don’t care. Seeing Alabama get 92,000 for its game does not impress me. It actually confirms a lot about that state. There really has to be more to life than spring football. There just has to be. We can address Oregon in the fall when it actually matters.

I am a Golden State Warrior fan.
The crowd for Golden State’s game 4 on Sunday was awesome. It reminded me why I used to love the NBA. I thought my interest in the game was on life support. Watching that game, though, I knew I still cared just a little. When Portland gets back to the playoffs, it’s going to be fun. For the next three weeks, I’m putting all my energy into believing the Blazers will land the #1 or #2 pick in the draft, ensuring no less than three championships in the next 10 year. An ambitious dream from a fan stilling waiting for title numero uno? Perhaps, but in my situation, its what you do. You dream.

Best of the month
There were some definite winners this month.

Best TV show: This isn’t even a contest, Planet Earth has been some of the best TV I have ever watched. It took five years of filming to put together the most spectacular look at the globe you will ever see from your couch. Though I don’t have HD, it was still amazing camera work. It’s hard to pick an absolute favorite moment, but this shark attack has to rank right up there. The money shot comes right around the 2:20 mark. It would be an injustice not to mention the birds of paradise as well, though the female comes off a little picky.

Best Commercial: Not sure if this is a national campaign or not, but it should be because he is the most interesting man in the world. Stay thirsty my friends.

And finally…on April 30, I got a letter in the mail.
The envelope read:
Dear Jesus, We pray that you will bless someone in this home spiritually, physically & financially. And please, dear Lord, bless the one who’s hands open this letter. Make good changes in this one’s life and give them the desires of their heart. We pray over and bless this letter in your holy name. Amen.

Okay, this should be interesting. I open the letter and…instant papercut! That’s got to be a sign.

Once the letter is open, I discover that it is a prayer rug. I am to use this prayer rug tonight and tonight only. Once finished with the prayer rug (which, by the way, happens to be a fancy piece of paper with a picture of Jesus, eyes closed, though if you stare at it long enough his eyes are supposed to open, but I’m not seeing it), I am to return it to the church with my needs checklist using the self-addressed, stamped envelope. My favorite needs, in no particular order, are:

• confusion in my home
• pray for God to bless me with this amount of money: $______
• Enclosed is my seed gift to God’s work of $_______

This is by far the coolest junk mail Jes and I have ever received so here’s what we’re gonna’ do. First person to respond to this post with the line, “Send me the prayer rug” will get the rug and the checklist. Sure, the letter is explicit in its instruction that the rug is to be returned to the church (re: scam office), but this will be more fun.

And that’s April.

A year ago, I told the story of my trip to Quizno’s and the employee who apparently failed second grade math. Leave it to the fast food industry to do it again.

I made my way up to the little speaker box at the drive-thru of a local Mexican fast food chain called Santana’s (fantastic place, by the way. I recommend the 1 lb. California burrito). Here’s an approximation of the conversation that took place:

Voice in the box: Can I take your order?
Me: Can I get the California burrito?
Voice in the box: Is that all?
Me: Yes.
Voice in the box: That’ll be $4.25

I arrived at the window, flashed a friendly smile and wisely handed $10.25 to the drive-thru attendant. She took the money, gave me my burrito and let a few awkward seconds pass before I said, “I gave you a 10, can I get change?” “You did?” she said. “Yes, I did.” She opened up the cash register removed a five and handed it to me. A few more awkward seconds passed until I said, “Thanks, but I should get six back. 10.25 minus 4.25 is 6.” She flashed me a look that either said, “No, that’s wrong” or “My English ain’t so good.” I’m still not sure which. Either way, she pulled out the dollar and I told her to put it in the tip jar. She earned it.

The next day, Jes finds my receipt in the car. On it, it says (1) California burrito and (1) lemonade bringing the total to 5.60. Sometimes, I think I might need to learn Spanish.

Folks, I know I usually reserve this space for sarcastic comments, silly stories, and sports-related rants, but I need to take today to talk about something serious.

Home Turf Syndrome (HTS) is a serious medical issue* that afflicts myself and – I have to assume – many others**. I want to give hope to those that suffer in silence. I want them to say, “I have HTS and that’s okay.”

What is HTS?
HTS is a result of leaving town or even just the friendly confines of your daily routine. You lose your regularity and develop no need whatsover to use the bathroom for ol’ #2.

What do I do if I have HTS?
You wait it out. When you get back onto home turf, your body will know it. Nobody really knows how, but the body just knows.

What if I don’t want to wait it out?
There are some things you can try:

• Foods that are high in fiber
• Laxatives.
• Drink more water

If you are on a vacation longer than 3-4 days, your body will eventually realign its home turf coordinates and prompt you to find a new – albeit temporary – home turf location.

Will HTS affect the way I live?
Amazingly, no. Your body is able safely to store the waste until you safely return home.

How do I know where my home turf is?
Wherever you are comfortable taking care of your daily duty on a regular basis. This can be multiple places. For instance, your home turf may be at work, at home, and/or maybe just a comfy stall in a public building.

How long do I have to wait once I get back on my home turf?
No more than 7 seconds. Your body will make an instant recognition of where it is at.

Does anyone know why HTS happens?
Sadly, no. Scientists*** have been looking for a cure for years to no avail. There have been some promising developments with stem cell research**** and you should contact your local congressman to encourage him or her to back funding for this important project.

Case study
I recently took a trip to Santa Barbara, CA. I left early Saturday and returned late Monday. Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday went by with a heavy case of HTS. Upon taking my exit toward home off the freeway, my body went into instant recognition mode. Within the aforementioned 7 seconds of walking in the door, my HTS was over.

*I have no idea if this is a medical issue or not.
**If no one else knows what I’m talking about, this is going to make me look like a nut.
***No scientists have looked for a cure. If one has, that’s just weird.
****I think some promising things have been found through stem cell research. I’m 99.99% certain this isn’t actually one of them.

The residents of San Diego recently got a huge scare, victimized by a downpour of rain totalling .67 inches in one day. The foreign water crystals created havoc throughout the county and the fear was widespread. In spite of the difficult weather, I managed to stay calm and got through a rainy Monday having only been hit by a few rain drops. I was the lucky one. The California Highway Patrol (CHP), which is no longer patrolled by Eric Estrada, reported 301 accidents on the county’s highways, roughly a 500% increase over normal activity.

At one point, while the clock was still moving through the AM portion of the day, a newswoman finished her report by saying, “If you still plan on going out today…” Wow. I really had to think. Should I try and brave the weather? Would I get washed away and put out to sea? Would I be able to control my vehicle and keep four wheels on the road? Between myself, Jesse and her parents, we all decided to give it a shot. We got out on the road and it was mayhem; people drowning in puddles, small children being beaten into submission by the relentless rain, cars unable to avoid crashing.

Perhaps I exaggerate, but literally, the people of this city lose their mind when it rains. It’s like watching the Portland media when 2 inches of snow may or may not fall. Everyone breaks out into “Storm Watch 2007″ mode. When the rain does hit, the city is so unprepared for such activity that the streets flood, sewage gets so bad that no one can get in the ocean for 72 hours, and the painted roadway lines become invisible making it difficult to even see your lane.

The worst part is that I’ve fallen victim to some of this behavior. I don’t freak out, but I’ve gone 16 months with bad windshield wipers that handle the rain as well as Britney Spears handles lice in her hair. I actually cancelled a golf round two weeks ago due to a light mist in the air.

But fear not, loyal readers, I and so many others have survived this assault on our way of life. Just two days later, we are back on our feet, calmly handling a cool 62 accompanied by sunshine.

PS: Matt, you’re a swell guy. Thanks for the shirt. Long live Widmer.

I was reading through the comments from my last entry. The fifth one was from Dan at collegefootballtourguide.com. He said he was bored and googled himself. I thought to myself, “Fantastic idea! Let’s find out more about me!” Rather than use google, I used marketleap.com which is a great site to check link popularity. Just put in the url you want to know about and it returns results from the three major search engines. You’ll notice that google is extremely stingy on links they give you credit for.

I noticed a link to opinmind.com. I checked it out and sure enough, there was one of my opinions from last week…IN THE THUMBS DOWN CATEGORY! Why?!?! Why, I ask you?!?! I used their search engine with the term, “Oregon” and found three more entries, all in the thumbs down category. I read up on their “Sentimeter” to find out why I am so hated. I learned nothing. In fact, I got more confused. I don’t know what these people are doing at this company but I think they are wrong. Come to think of it, yes, they are wrong. I give me a thumbs up.

I was watchin’ some football Sunday and had a great idea for a commercial.

An American car company should really find an American musician willing to completely sell out and make some sort of apple pie montage commercials. I think they’d do really well. The commercials should probably play at every single break of every single athletic event until every single viewer wants to go Elvis on the TV and put a hole in it. Actually, the games should just be replaced with three-hour concerts. The guys should all walk around in overalls with mud on their face. The women could all wear nice little dresses with aprons. Put the kids in some boy and girl scout uniforms. Throw in some dogs and some beat up trucks. Some images of terrible natural (and unnatural) disasters would be pretty fitting. I think I’m onto something.

I vote for John Mellencamp to be the musician and I think the perfect car company would be Chevrolet. Who’s with me on this?